One person wrote a blog and mentioned about me in the entry.
I have never seen him in person. I didn't recognized when I saw his portrait. He saw me on a stage. That's all. At first, he criticized me as a performer in some negative ways and they are something I still can take as they are. Some people like me on stage, others don't. Of course, that's usual. But one line, it is very hard to let it go. I have been struggling because of this, still now. I want to say, just "Let it go" but have had a difficulty to do so.
He wrote about me, "She's like XXX meets XXX." (XXX are two famous people's name that I don't want to write because it eventually insults them)
...Anyway, I knew people use this kind of expression to talk about "eccentric weird Japanese/Asian" who have no sense of decency, especially their sexuality. The one of the ladies who is used for the example, she is always wearing a sexy dress and many times shows her boobs (accidentally or consciously? hard to tell) or her naked body, and was arrested because of shoplifting... Maybe, someone can guess whom I'm talking about. She is using her sexuality as a sales product in a very cheap way. But, she is at least looks like... she plans to be like that to make people pay attention to her. That's actually her strong point, in my opinion. Even if I don't like her but I still think she is somehow strong. Anyway, usually being used for an icon of stupid Asians...
Another lady who is used for the example is someone like an eccentric weird Japanese, not truly worth artist but just using her "exoticism" to sell her arts or using other fact, not her art itself, to become famous or something like that. (But, to be honest, I really like her.) No matter what she has done in her real life, usually she is also most likely to be used for an example in some kind of superficial ways to talk about weird Japanese (female). I guess that the writer doesn't use her with any deep meanings. Just because, to the person, she and I are Japanese, also obnoxious, using being a Japanese exoticism as a product in order to sell ourselves to others, something like that. Am I really something like that????? Selling my exoticism/sexuality as a product and that's the only thing likening/representing me? Well, I do not think so... If I were really like that, I would kill myself. Already I have been struggling because of hating myself in my whole life (but anyway, I have been working on to change myself, that kind of my thought pattern) But anyway, IF I were really like that kind of person (the examples fit myself), I wouldn't have to stay anymore.
One thing, he is good because he didn't hide who wrote that. But, the ignorance and the shamelessness and no sensitivity to write something like this in public even if he does not really know me , still made me very sad because he sounded like not just talking me as a performer; the part "She's like XXX..." is something like... somehow telling about ME. At least, I felt so... Once again, I don't mean that I'm sad because someone don't like me as a performer.
Even if he was very surface level in his thoughts ('cause we have never even met in person...), he wrote like that in the space anyone can see. Doesn't he think I also might read? (Yes, one of my friends told me about the entry. She was really upset about it and shared the link with me.) "She's like XXX..." The expression might not be a big deal for him but could not imagine that the expression can be like as if being stabbed by a sharp knife as an Asian lady? For me, yes, it is like that. It's not too much to say so. (Other parts what he wrote is fine with me. I could take them because more clearly he was talking about me as a performer.)
By watching only a stage, people might be able to write anything. But, where is the sensitivity? In my opinion, the expression that made me very upset (once again, it's because sounds like not only talking about me as a performer but also as if somehow talking about a fact of me/my personality), is most likely to hurt many Asian ladies, if they criticized in that way. Doesn't he think writing like that can be violence?
I have considered whether I should write this or not. For a while, I could not make my thoughts clear. I lost words. Again, the numbness came to me. Anyway, This is my thoughts. Finally I could write. Writing is also one of my therapeutic exercises (in English is still hard but I keep learning because I chose to stay here...)
Anyway... I should also continue to care to choose words to write something... because words can be a sharp knife.