Why "Now"? - so, here is my answer...

Not many people visit or read this blog (according to the "Stats" of this blog), which is fine with me, but every once in a while I receive such a nice personal message from friends ;) Thank you so much...

After the entries I wrote about my "internal" journey recently, I received this question:
 "Why is this reflection coming out now?  because your therapy is ending now?"

You know, this is actually I also wanted to write out in order to keep "the moment" vividly inside me, because I sense this would become one of my milestones, in future. Really a significant moment for me.

So here is my answer... ;)

I think it's because...  .........
I could re-visit to my childhood internally by doing the session with my therapist. I could See, Feel, Think, and then Digest those things, once again. (most of them, when I was little, I could not even understand what was really going on around me) In the whole process, I could find pieces of a big puzzle one by one, and finally I could put all the puzzle pieces together and could see the picture formed from them. The picture shows "my life". One day, I had a huge "Uh-Huh!!" moment by putting all those memory pieces together and saw the overall view of that. Then I burst into tears. Not because of sadness but happiness to be able to see that, and witnessing, "I'm finally here, now. I can see the overall view from here where I am now." It is as if I'm standing on a hill to see the wide view of my life (so far), underneath. And... it was not that bad...
And on the same day, right after I had the huge "Uh-Huh!!" moment, when I was swimming in my favorite swimming pool (because it is a salt water pool! I feel I'm purified by swimming there), I felt as if I was going through some kind of transparent membrane in the water, and then felt enormous amount of love, to myself.  TO MYSELF! Huge appreciation to the all 'myself' inside me who came to now, baby Toko, little Toko, teenager Toko, adult Toko... I felt my body shape became long inside the water. All the stories of myself were inside the long body.  At that moment I just wanted to scream, "Oh! Thank you!! I love myself!" and wanted to celebrate that. "Thank you for somehow continuing to swim until "Now". You know that? You went through that! I love you, Toko!" Maybe nonsense to other people. But I felt 'this' so strongly.
...I do know this is really a self-centered internal conversation and I'm shamelessly writing this in this sort of public space. But honestly, I really felt so, at that moment. Such a thing was... for the first time, in my life. I really glad that I could have the moment.

My self hatred was SO strong since I was little. Somehow because of that, ironically I could cope with the difficulties, in the past. But also because of that, I created lots of problems. Now I'd like to say, "I can't say what I have done in the past were right or wrong but at least I can clearly say I'm glad anyhow I came here, now! Good job, Toko! Don't have to feel the self hatred anymore." Huge grief and then warmth emerged from deep inside me.

To be honest with you, every once in a while, I still have the moment: going back to the darkness I have held inside me for a long time, but even so I can go through that, again and again. I believe so. I am okay to swim forward. Keep going.

So, after the moments, I wanted to write about all the reflections. I hope this somehow makes sense to you. No?

Thank you for asking this...





  1. Hola Toko, hai, it makes perfect sense. I´m really glad you are where you are now, and you have found all these ways of expressing yourself and exchanging ideas.

    I think, we have to keep loving ourselves, treat ourselves well, be honest and patient with ourselves, in all our moments (good and bad) because in the end we are just imperfect humans in need of love!

    PS- swimming and hill metaphors ga daiski desu!

  2. Oh arigatou Megan... I'm so happy that they made sense to you. Then I started writing here but it got too much long (hehehe) so I'll write a message to you. :)
    But, one more thing.
    > PS- swimming and hill metaphors ga daiski desu!
    Hmm... you are like gentle sunshine!
    Much Love! (I had a great swim moment today too)