(self-portrait, right after swimming)
Being in the water and just concentrated on being zero.
Long time ago (around more than 15 years ago), my ex-coworker told me I may die somewhere in water. After the work, on a train to go back home, she suddenly mentioned about it.
"Water.... Be careful to be in water." She said softly. I didn't get what she tried to tell me.
"There was someone in your family who was dead in water... Long time ago... That's also your fate."
"Is this some kind of joke?" I laughed at and asked her but she said, "I feel it."
She looked so serious. I could not ask anything more than that.
After the day, I have never seen her.
... and I forgot about the story and also about her little by little...
I was used to swim a lot. When I was a child, I more preferred to be in water than being on ground. I didn't have many things that I was proud of but drawing/ painting, and swimming were special things to me.
But for a while - very long time, I stopped. Not because of the story - I may die in water, but, much earlier time than I have heard the story, after having my first menstruation and my body shape was changing into a "lady's" from a "girl's, I felt not comfortable to go to swim. So gradually being far from any swimming pool then started again more than 15 years later.
...Before moving to the US, I went to Shikoku and swam and also just floated in the ocean for a while. I was alone in the sea. I recalled the story, "You will die somewhere in water" when I was floating in the ocean. But, I knew it was not the time yet to die for me. Rather, I was even feeling like soon to be born... I was holding my legs with both arms and kept spinning in the seawater. It was very nice... nice memory. (Still Shikoku is one of my favorite places in the Earth after the trip. I must go back there...)
Now, I swim regularly again. The beginning of the last year, I started again since I got to know the gym has a salted water pool. This is very nice. I go there in order to purify myself and be free...
In the water, usually there is no distracting thought. (Oh, only one time I cried in the water. But just one time.) Being able to be close to zero. Feel freer and freer.
In general, I feel "live my life" is very similar to "swim in a river." Sometimes there is a nice flow of the water. Sometimes I have to swim in an upstream. Every once in a while, take a break and look around... and meet, talk, and even fall in love with people who is swimming in the same flow and same speed. Maybe swim together for a while and/or say "See you again" or "Good luck" ... and keep swimming. Choose my own direction. And, someday, I'll get the sea - usually called as "death". The time must come, for each one of us. Until the moment, I just keep swimming in this river. No try, just do.
...I thought something like that (again) today, after swimming...
And I thought it is not bad to think, now. Yes.