Part 3: So... my own story, and...

*****  3 *****

When I was young, no body actually listened to me. Or in other words, I could not trust anyone that I could tell true feelings if it was including negative things because I felt nobody could accept such things. Even with my mom. I don't mean I'm blaming at her.  NO.  She had been struggling for lots of things in her own life. Then unfortunately she was often emotionally absent when I was little. Of course, I know she deeply loves me. Anyway she is not a listener type of person. She has idealized me as what she wants me to be and if I have done something different from what she expects me to do, she just can't accept it. Those things hurts her so badly. So, I could not talk with her honestly or ask her opinion or something like that. Still I talked to her but it was like sharing a report what I have done. I never told her current thing at the present time. I rather listened to her. Her husband/ my father had been really an abusive person until he left from the place. We rarely could be relaxed with him. My mom also needed supports to survive in the water flow.

My mom's mom had really strong BP traits. She had never been diagnosed by any psychiatrists but her physician talked about her emotional issues. And people around her knew a lot about the traits and I do know she had been suffered for the way to live. Actually it caused lots of problems in her life. When my mom was young, she hated her mom. She wanted to escape the place so badly but at the same time she could not do so until her sister became a bit older (she was truly afraid that her mom accidentally killed her baby sister). We absolutely knew she loved us from heart but it was very difficult to have enjoyable time together. (note! we still have good memories too! and again, I love my grandma from heart... She lived her life, in her own way.)

The person who took my mom to outside world with his passion was my father. He is a person who has lots of Narcissistic Personality Disorder traits. Actually really a lot. It makes sense to me that my mom was attracted to him when she was young. She told me, "I really wanted to leave from the house and it was like as if he kidnapped me out of the place, with his confidence and passion. When I was young, I really admired his strong self-confidence." However, his self-confidence is not the true strong stable thing.

He called her "idiot" instead of calling her name (or something like that.) He treated her as a very inferior person. He also treated me in that negative way. What he was saying to me was, because of my mom and me, he had to live in the limitation. He lost his freedom, etc. He blamed at us in many ways. Unfortunately the marriage/ family relationship had given us (our self-esteems) huge damage. Luckily my mom could find herself after the separation from him, but it was truly hard lesson for her. I am truly proud of my mom who could get through the rough path and now she could see a calm ocean in front of her. And I can say exactly same thing to me too. I am proud of myself to get here now.

Anyway, I wasn't diagnosed but really the three are enough for me to consider I have been struggling with some BP traits (or AC traits or whatever it is, the distorted thinking/responding patterns). Once I noticed about that, I could face the weakness in me even if it hurt my feelings (and felt huge shame too). I could talk with my therapist why and how I developed those distorted way to see or think through my life. It helped me a lot. It was also very painful to face the screaming child who has been longing to be loved for a long time, inside me. I even thought how people could possibly love the little one? It was really the hardest pain to notice about the feeling I even had. I started talking with her and I became the person who gives the words which she wanted to hear so badly. Yes, we became great friends. I love her, the little one, i.e., myself, finally. And once I could identify those traits and the deep root of the reason why I have held them inside me, I have been gradually releasing them. That IS really an amazing experience...

I'm now standing at the point which is very close to the ending of my therapy.
Because my traits or in other words, the distorted thinking patterns have been so deeply rooted for a long time, I may still go back to the dark place in future. But now, I have the place where I can always come back and see/find myself standing with my own feet, inside the deep forest. I also have the landmark to find the place in the forest, so, even if I lose my way again, I will be okay... That's my belief and relief.

(I might write more, later. But for now... finish!)

No comments:

Post a Comment