Time Traveler - memoirs 5

More outtakes from the day of the visiting the school

And these are the two images I chose to add to the final cut. 

And one of my favorite of all (and last shot of the day) I felt, "Okay, I have done enough..." 

after I saw this image.

Many parts of the school have been changed but this view was almost exactly as it was when I was a student of this school. I felt some kind of... memory overlap (past and present time) It was kinda unreal moment.
When I was shooting these photos, since I already had done the lecture, I was very relaxed and felt something like... deep care and love from all the people around myself. It's because all the faculties in the school and my husband helped me to do the photo shooting and took really good care of me. Unbelievable and unforgettable. Really... thankful.......

...to be continued

http://tokoshiiki.com

Time Traveler - memoirs 4

The principal, Kamata sensei who has such a friendly smile asked me, "Please share your stories of experiences in this school and how to move forward after then, and how you are following your dream in US, with the students."

I needed to think about it for a while. "Is it really okay to talk about my experiences in the school? I don't have any happy memories..." I asked two of my trustworthy friends before I went to the school. Both said, "It might be not for everyone, but I believe that certainly some students really appreciate and need to hear the truth and how you could go through and became this present-you, Toko."

The principal said same sort of things. Top of that, she told me, "There have been two students stop coming to school for around 8 months or so. Today even they plan to come to listen to you." (Actually they could not. So, I gave the audio file of the lecture. I hope it somehow helps them...)
So... I decided to talk as honest as possible, and of course not only that but also, I wanted to share hopes for future with them, as much as I could.

Here is another outtake inside the school. Yes, I'm in the classroom. (!!!)

  
And here is one more. This is an image I shot when I was focusing.

It was unreal for me to witness that my life-partner was sitting at a desk in the classroom after many many years later... I NEVER expected that I could visit this place. Especially being there with my husband... No way... (AH! I wanted to tell the little one, "About 30 years later, I'll visit here with my best friend/life-partner. I know you feel so lonely right now but please keep going. You will be fine. Believe me, it'll be paid off many years later.")

Wow... The space was really changed. (Desks are new, color of walls are changed, there is a TV, and so on...) Actually it was nothing like I remembered (sure, lots of things have been really changed, including myself.) Much brighter... (I'd like to add, I could even eat lunch at school. - yes, I had "lunch-phobia" The principal didn't know such a thing and she thought it would be nice for me to eat it again, and her kindness completely changed my perception of "Lunch at school". It was really tasty, for sure... very thankful...)

The lunch I got

So, here is something about the lecture I did for the students (about 100 some kids) on the day.
My main theme was... "Find your 'No.1 thing': something you can be really good at or you truly love doing at most in your life. Because it'll keep helping you to move forward even if you have very difficult moments in life." I told them I didn't have friends until I became 9 years old. Because of the escalated bullied situations and my mental and health condition, when I was 8 - 9 years old, I stopped going to school for a while, but even if I could not do many other things, I never stopped drawing and making stories with them. It was a really significant thing that helped me in the darkness.
Until I entered my high school, I believed that I would go to one of the biggest art schools in Tokyo. But when I was a high school student, I changed my mind (Instead going to the art school, I decided to do completely new thing, which was acting. The story/the reason why I changed my mind would be too long to write here, so I won't write the details but simply because of the terrible art teacher, I lost interest to continue to study art. Rather, I just wanted to keep doing by myself.) And then, more than 10 years, I concentrated acting/tried to make a career out of it but it was not easy, and when I got my late twenties, simply I lost so many things what I had before (job, boyfriend, a family member, and my mind etc...) The biggest turning point which made me stop and think "what and where I am?" was a car crash. Even without the accident, sooner or later, I truly needed to face myself and think.. "Where am I? Where am I going really?" Anyway, because of the accident, no matter what I wanted or not, I needed to ask myself. For a while I could not do much (physically and mentally) and after the major depression time, I finally could talk to myself once again, "What do I really want to do, for myself? Is there anything? ...If so... Why don't I do that? Let's start again..." Then, long story short, I decided to learn photography (I chose photography instead of other kind of art, i.e., drawing or painting because it was something I really love but before I never had a chance to learn) In addition, I decided to move to other country to do that. It was one of the best decisions I made in my life.
...I didn't have any confidence about myself except for creating art since I was little. But, at least I have that in me, all the way to get there. I thought... "I must do this. I can do this. I want to change the way of living." And then I started studying English hard and saved money and moved to new place, for myself, finally...

One more outtake. This is the place I got the car accident. (Under the pedestrian bridge)
 

...I asked the students, "Could you tell me what your 'No.1'? What you guys are good at doing or love doing at most? Even if it's a little thing, it's perfectly fine. Even if others said, "You are not that good!" it's also okay. No matter what others are saying about it, it's your thing, so don't worry. I'm asking what YOU think you are doing good at or love doing. Something makes your feeling brighter. The important point is YOU love doing for yourself. Okay? So.... Could you tell me please?" The students hesitated for a while but gradually they started talking about what they love. Running, Doing baseball, Swimming, Making stamps by carving a piece of eraser, Painting... Some kids also said, "I still don't know what I really like or anything I'm good at." I asked those students, "So, please make some time to think what you love doing, from now on. If you can't find it right away, it's also okay but please remember the question and keep asking yourself, "What do I love doing at most in my life?" and also remember such things might help you to move forward in life when you encounter difficulties."

I noticed everyone of them were really listening to me, and some students were actually almost crying. I don't know the exact reasons why those kids looked like that but I strongly hope my stories somehow resonate well with them... Anyway I really hope someday they could find something they love doing at most in their life-flows.  

And then, they sang a song for my husband and me (it was a really truly beautiful, and so thoughtful...) and we sang the school song together. (This was also never never expected to be able to do such a thing when I was little!! wow....)

After the lecture time, several students visited at the principal's room to tell me...
"I could not say in front of everyone but this is something I love doing..."
They showed me some little things they made... and one of them gave me these origami works.
He quietly told me he loved to make origami art, and gave me these.
Amazing.... in many many many ways...

Here are some images I shot after I came back home.

The blue one is the standard shape of origami crane. And the peach one is connected 4 cranes.

These yellow and dark blue ones are connected cranes. Yellow one is 4 cranes and dark blue one is 9 cranes. (each one of them is made from a sheet of paper) I can't even guess how he could make these!

Japanese rhinoceros beetle says "hi!"

I guess... Many of the kids won't remember what I talked on the day, but if... If they remember the moment when they thought... "What do I love doing at most in my life?" and "That might help me to move forward." ... I'm really happy.  I believe if they can find that, they can somehow survive and they can find their own happiness.

The time I was at the school was hard but eventually, I could learn a lot, not only just each subject I studied but also much more important things for life. I am truly thankful that I could be at the space again and yes, could have this new experience and memory...
Really appreciate the warm kind acceptance of the principal (me to visit the school and do this project) It's not only for the photo project but also for my life. Arigatai...........

After the visit, I thought... I'm doing really right thing for my life.

I shot several more images at the school. I'll upload later.

to be continued...


http://tokoshiiki.com

Time Traveler - memoirs 3

A few days ago, I watched a documentary movie, "Bully" (2011 Directed by Lee Hirsch). In the movie, one of the kids quietly answered to his mom, "Gradually I don't feel anything." (His mom asked him why he didn't tell her about the bullied situation at all, and how he felt about being in the circumstance.)  The scene struck my heart. I totally understood what he meant. When I was around 8 years old, I was him.

Even if somebody in the school kicked, punched, or threw something on my face, I could not tell anyone about it. And gradually I could not feel anything. Numb. I was like as if a person just quietly waited until a storm has passed. When I found my belongings inside trash cans, I felt embarrassed and tried to hide about the incidents from others, especially my mom. I tried to hide everything. (I was thinking about the reason why I tried to hide, during the therapy. I think... I finally found my own reason why I did so. I won't write about it here.)
I knew it was not only me, there were several targets in the school but I felt completely alone in the space at that time. I gradually could not eat and my sight became so narrow (basically I was always facing down). If I smelled food, I felt nauseous so during lunch time, I always went to the school infirmary (I think this is a crazy situation. How could nobody in the school tell about it to my family? ...) I spent lunch time on the bed. I felt as if I was sucked into the white ceiling above myself. (After I threw up a few times at school, I became a "lunchtime-phobia".)

Here is one outtake photo. Yes, I shot this in the school infirmary. It was so much smaller than I remembered. And the sheets were pink. (pink!) The teacher/school nurse moved to other school in the same town. I asked the principal to tell "Thank you" for me since she knows her.

 Around that time, I was already so skinny but even more became looked like a wooden stick (somebody called me so. Or "Tori-gara" - means chicken bone for soup stock.) I gradually stopped going to the school. I stayed at my small room and I kept drawing many many "stories" on many pieces of paper.

If...... instead my father was shouting at my mom, "She is just lazy. You spoiled her." or called me ugly or disgusting child, if he had asked me "What's wrong with you?" or "Are you okay?" with love... it would have been different? Maybe so. When I saw the aforementioned documentary movie, "Bully", I thought so. There are so many kids in those kinds of situations in their schools. BUT, if their parents, teachers, or someone around him or her notice that and show care or love, he or she may be able to move forward. So... I appreciated my mom's support. She didn't ask me directly anything what was really going on but, at least she said to the father, "I think she has been sick. She is not just lazy."and took me to a hospital. When I talked with the psychiatrist, (I didn't know he was a psychiatrist at that time) I felt finally someone could listen to me and understand what I had been feeling and dealing with. I cried for the first time in front of someone. And I finally could talk with my mom a bit after the visit. I saw she cried. It was powerful for me to see she was crying for me. It was the first time and last time (at this point). I also heard my teacher was crying when she was visiting my mom. She apologized and said, "I didn't know anything." (...really? anyway...)  I decided to be strong after the hospital visit. (...and then ironically kinda created another types of problems later but anyway, really the little one was changed since then. No more shy. She could say what she thought or felt. She even fought against boys, etc etc...)

I needed to do this photo shooting in the school. I could not complete this project without visiting and shooting photos inside the space. So I wrote a letter to the principal to ask her whether I could visit there and do this photo session. She accepted me. (To be honest, I was surprised at first. Sort of expected they said no. I was so so so thankful, more than any words.) And also she asked me whether I could be a "one-day-teacher" for the 6th grade students of the school. That was............. amazing.............. Never never expected that I could do such a thing in the space. I'd love to write about it more.

...to be continued.

http://tokoshiiki.com

Time Traveler - memoirs 2

I could not write for a while. My mind went somewhere else. (Where?! Really... ughhhh)
Anyway... If I think too much, I can not write at all. So I decided to write whatever comes in my mind when I saw those images I shot in those places.

An outtake in the town where I was born. (click to larger view, if you like...)

I loved this pedestrian bridge (actually kinda higher than I expected. Of course, when I was little, it was really high for the girl, but it IS still high for adult myself too! wow) I never expected to be allowed to go on that and shoot this portrait, since it was inside my kindergarten. (the gate was locked) I didn't remember where the kindergarten was but once I got to the old house/dorm, my memory came back like waterfall and took me there. Great to see this bridge was not changed at all. I opened the gate (that was easy to unlock) of the kindergarten. I went inside. Why not, right? Well... I was kinda shaky, to be honest, and was thinking "how should I explain about myself and the reason why I am here now?" An old lady came out, with very calm smile... and also a question mark on her face. I explained to her who I was. (..."who was I"? ...really who was I? ...)  She accepted me.

Great thing was... She remembered me. !  I mean once I mentioned my name, she recalled her memories about the little one. (Yes, I have such an unusual name) She was the principal of the kindergarten.
"You were so quiet and continued to draw something on paper alone, all the time."
"This" was more than enough for me to visit there. To know the fact, somebody remembered the little one. (yaay) The invisible girl whose parents didn't even talk to her or notice her much.

My old teacher gave my husband and me two packs of cold fruit juice, after the shooting. Then she unobtrusively asked me, "...What did you wear during your photo shooting?" I told her, "It was a bubble. A capsule." She seemed to really want to ask me more about "that bubble thing" but didn't. Instead, she said, "I see..." and silence was surrounded us. A cat was sleeping behind me, so so peacefully. I was thankful that she stopped asking about it at that time.

One more outtake in the place.

They (me and the little one) were happy there, during this visit. It meant A LOT.

...to be continued 
 
http://tokoshiiki.com

Time Traveler - memoirs 1 - a bit more about the journey

"Time Traveler" is my newest personal photo project. (you can see the whole project on my website, http://tokoshiiki.com/time_traveler/index.html") This is the artist statement of the project:

"Time Traveler"
At the conclusion of psycho-therapy, in the 40th anniversary of my life, I decided to travel to Japan, to visit several locations from my childhood that had greatly influenced my personality.  During therapy, I had visited these difficult places, in my mind and heart, in order to find my own lost little self. When I would find the little one there, I would hold her hand, to live every "now" together. I told her, "You are safe now with me."  This therapy was very beneficial, but after the last session, I kept wondering: "Are these places actually the dark places I remember? Shouldn't I witness those places now, in person, as an adult, in order to confirm that these stories belong to my past, and I belong to now? Might visiting these places bring closure to my therapy?"

I asked my husband to be my witness on this journey.  I decided to photograph my self in these environments, as evidence of my process. With the help of warm, kind people, like my husband, friends, and teachers from my former schools, I was able to make an important inter-outer journey. The outcome was, is… so much more than this photographic evidence, it is a new beginning.

------------------

I chose 11 images for the final cut. Of course, I shot so much more. And there are lots of stories rather than these 11 images could tell. ...Maybe nobody cares these stories but for myself, I thought... why don't I write them? (It's basically for me, and also IF there is anyone who is interested to know about the journey a bit more than the photographic images. So, I decided to write here on my blog)  I plan to add several outtakes to this space too, which I've never done before (I mean I have never shown outtakes from my project publicly). Well I'm really not sure how it goes but anyway I'll keep going and hoping it keeps growing.

Okay, so here is the first image. And also, my day 1 of this project. (click to enlarge)

I really wanted to start this photographic journey in this location, which was in front of the house where I was born. It was not actually a regular house but a dorm for nurse students. I was born at the hospital which the nurses belonged to. My parents were really young and broke. They lived one room in the dorm by working as a caretaker. I won't write about the detail of my memories inside the room but that's the first place I visited with my therapist when I started the therapy...

I could not find the specific address of the dorm. (I didn't want to ask my mom about it. Without telling her, I wanted to do this.) But I thought... "If I go to the town, I would remember?"  However, it was difficult. I didn't quite get where I was right now when I got the train station. So, I needed to ask some people about it. Gradually I found out the place was no longer used as a dorm since several years ago. Finally a kind farmer who was at his small farmer's market called his friends and found out the information about the dorm (I bought 2 oranges from him.)
Interestingly, when I was walking down the hill close to the place, gradually I recalled something like... "I ran on this hill with my mom. Oh I found a broken door in the grass over there." Then, I finally found the house. I felt something like... "That's it? oh... sure..." Not really I was emotional or anything like that.

The actual place/ the house was not really good location to photograph, so I chose to shoot on the long stairs across the street. I thought visually so much intriguing, and also when I stood there, I could see the house.  ...Seriously, I NEVER noticed the actual house was in the round shape mirror which we see on the right side of this image, until I saw the photo on my computer, which was truly a great coincidence. I mean... I screamed when I saw it. I loved this image so much more when I noticed the fact.

I want to write about the day of wandering the town a bit more with outtakes, but long story short, those people whom I met in the town were all SO kind... I had such a great start. On the day, already I felt strongly, "I am doing a right thing." It's all for myself. ...Selfish? Maybe... I felt so too. But. Yes, I needed to do. And, oh yes, crazily thankful to receive the kindness and care, while doing this shooting... in those places.

...to be continued

http://tokoshiiki.com

"Now or Never". Something I wanted to write, NOW.

Here is a video about my photography & video installation, which I shot at the gallery and edited in this way to share with people who could not make it. It was really meaningful for me to build the installation in this year 2012. You know, I feel like, I went though a long dark tunnel, finally....
Anyway, if you have 4 minutes... Hope you enjoy :)


"Now or Never" - Photography & Video Installation at the show "10 under 40" River Gallery Fine Art Chelsea, MI from Toko Shiiki on Vimeo.

I shot this installation inside the River Gallery Fine Art in Chelsea Michigan.
Here is the artist statement: "Now or Never"
********
This is my internal journey with my little self, to reconcile my present with my past, something I've neglected for a long time.

One day the beginning of the winter 2012, I used a Holga (a plastic toy camera) and opened the shutter for a long time in a small dim room, and recorded myself on film. Not sure of what the outcome would be, I was very surprised when I first glimpsed the negative -- I felt I had captured a self portrait of me as both an adult and child.

For last several years, I had had one idea on my mind - through photography, could it be possible for me to “meet the little Toko”? After seeing the image, I felt a need to continue shooting in the same way: long exposure in dim light, finding images of myself as both adult and child, with the toy camera.

And I've been wondering and wandering… "Who connected the time?" "Where will they go?"

------------------------------------------
I'd love to write this out now, about one of the milestone-moments of my life...

I finally had the last step, out of the room. Two years ago or so, it seemed to be far FAR away: Having the day of "graduation" from my psychotherapy...  ...Truly speechless to have the moment. Anyway, finally got that day several days ago.
It was the moment I ended my therapy and also it's the beginning of... new chapter of my life journey/story.

...Anyways, THIS MEANT A LOT to me to have the day. The last question was "How do you feel now, about to have the last session?" ...something like that? I'm not quite sure because my mind became blank white instantly to hear that. "How do I feel????? I did not even know how I should feel?!?!?" I could not answer right away, actually until the end of the session. Before ending the session, I finally answered to the question, "I'm feeling so thankful" with tears, of joy.

The very first day, I didn't really know the reason why I was recommended to see the specific kind of therapist. I just needed help, so badly, asap. Confusion. Shame. Hatred towards myself. I felt like... as if I was about to explode, internally. But even so I didn't know why or what was really going on. I just hated to be like that. When I called the office, I was seeking help so badly but at the same time, I kinda... to be honest with you, half doubted about doing the therapy. "Does this really help...?"

There have been SO many things had to be processed, inside me but I didn't even know that. I was wondering why I had to dig holes inside me to pull those old darkness from my past, again. At first, it seemed to be silly thing to do. "Why does this help?" but at the same time, I had no other idea to make things better. So I decided to follow my therapist, since I committed to do the session with her. Anyway, I decided to be honest with her and also myself, as much as I could.

Before starting the session, I had somehow stayed at "reality" but so many times, I actually disassociated from "that". Sometimes, I didn't remember how long I 'went away' even in the middle of a conversation with someone, or in public spaces. I had huge panic waves. Sometimes another myself was staring at the whole situation. Hard to breath. Sometimes I could not hear well or see. I didn't quite feel "I exist in this world" and it was getting worse. Didn't know where to be, or go. But, how could I ask someone, "Could you please teach me how to be me? Could you please teach me how to live life? How to love myself? Who am I?" you think they are silly questions? But... really I didn't know how to figure out those things. ... at that time of my life, I didn't know what to do anymore, just by myself. I thought I have done a lot already before coming to US but I felt I completely lost any way to move forward. So... I decided to do anything she (my therapist) recommended me to do, or suggested me to do.
And... ..................Really truly, glad that I did not stop that until the end................ Already I really wanted to change my life when I was in Japan. I could not stand my life anymore. That's the reason why I decided to move to US and wanted to start over. Started learning English and saved money and came here, to learn what I really wanted. It was a big shift and seemed like changed a lot in good ways, BUT things were not that easy. The dark shadow part of myself was showing up in front of me gradually more often, which I was never expected before leaving Japan. Things were supposed to be getting better but mental status had been getting worse. I didn't know why, back then (Now I kinda knew why) But that's why I could FINALLY admit, "I need help". Very sad and hard but I had to admit that. (And I'm glad about it... now) I think......... I could not do this IF I had stayed in Japan. (It's different story, so I won't write now.)

...Now I more aware, unfortunately there are many people who could not have a chance to 'lean' (I'm not sure this word is correct) "you are precious being as just you are" from their care giver(s) which is usually parent(s). We all need the unconditional love and care when we are little. But many people didn't get that. ...And, many of us still somehow could find a way(s) to survive under the difficult circumstance, as a little one. And then... sadly those 'survivors' may form an abnormal personality development during such a difficult childhood - which also can develop self-hatred and self-harm issues. And all those old habitual unhealthy thinking patterns ARE really powerful and affect our lives, even became an adult. Notice or not, many people carry that in their lives. (I did too. I just didn't notice that before.) Yes, I am also one of them. I don't blame at my parents at this point but it was really not a good environment to live as a child. (seriously I didn't even think it was dysfunctional since it was the only family I knew and it was my everyday life.)  Anyway, again, it's another story. I stop now.

Until I started the therapy I didn't think in this way but actually, I believe now, the way of seeing world and interpreting events around me were most likely to be conditioned (I guess not everything but most of the things)  - "how to react" to some certain (positive things too but especially negative) things since I was little. It is a complete opposite from 'living now this moment' sort of zen mental status. Anyway, I mentally and physically reacted to some certain things in same or similar negative way, repeatedly... and hurt myself. Living with distorted cognition is really hard (if someone has been 'there', you may understand what I mean?) Anyway, I gradually could identify 'that' one by one with my therapist's support and guidance. It was quite new things to me. Gradually I could re-think and realize many illusions from past still affected my life negatively.
To be really honest, I sometimes still hear the negative voices inside me. But now, luckily I also instantly recognize that it came from past, not belong to my present time. It's all past! We can't change our past but at the same time, we no longer live in the past. We live now every new moment. He and she could never hurt me like used to and no longer need to hurt myself or dissociate from this body, in order to escape from that. The old voices can never completely bring me down in present time and future. I DO KNOW THAT now.

In order to really strongly believe/got to know 'that', I needed the all sessions with her. Session is basically re-learn self/life view and see the world with healthy mind's eyes. And also I needed to 'practice' some certain things for that, by myself, in my everyday life. I'm so fortunate that I have wonderful friends around me to support during the whole time. Truly. It was not easy but really great things to try anyway. I am really glad that I chose to do so.... Now, feel so much freer which is really wonderful and thankful... Those things used to bother me are not a big of deal anymore. Kind of feeling... "What was that?!?!?!" Anyway, huge relief..... ohhhhh... really.........

So... one more thing, I'd like to write. I haven't officially been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder since I didn't meet 5 criteria out of the 9 when I started the therapy (I believe that there were some other reasons not to be diagnosed. By the way, I met 4 criteria.) My therapist truly believes that people with BPD formed those issues because of the distorted cognition and it's all trauma related symptoms, and she cares more how to re-think/re-build proper cognition, rather than focusing on what the each client's diagnostic name is. So, I decided to go with that, instead of focusing on figuring out what the specific mental disorder I had lived with.

During the session, in fact I was actually diagnosed as "Depersonalization disorder" and "PTSD" as a matter of convenience (for my insurance reason, sort to speak), but I think... to be really honest, NOW I think...... more like, I had been a person with BPD traits. (To me, BPD seems to be an extreme case of PTSD.) Even if officially I wasn't diagnosed and/or I may have not been (it's... all in gray zone to find out. I would never be able to find this answer, and also it is not much important, at this point...), I saw those traits in me anyway. I may not have been like a typical BPD. My anger was not going outside or to others, instead towards myself. All those things stayed inside. So, more likely not many people even noticed all those dark harsh storms inside me. Anyway, my self-hatred level was REALLY high. Tended to think "all or nothing". Fear of abandonment. Dissociation.  ...actually, I used to do self-harm acts, too - it was before coming US, over 10 years ago from now (I wonder... if I had met a psychiatrist back then, I would have been diagnosed as BPD? I'm kinda wondering about that. And wondering... most likely the answer was "yes", if I have met a right psychiatrist back then. Once I learned more about BPD, I was like the high functioning BPD person, in many ways. Anyway...) I knew two people with BPD in my life (That's why I initially got to know about it) and I also experienced to ride on their emotional roller-coasters. It was... really hard, least to say. I felt huge pains from them. I knew they didn't even know how to stop or what to do. Of course, I could not rescue them even if I wanted. (maybe, , IF I had known about BPD more, I could have been able to support in much better ways rather than just being an enabler...) And then... I also had a fear of being like them, but (or because?) I knew they were very similar to me. I just could not open my emotion like them, but at the very bottom, I was very much like them. I knew "it" has been also in me.
...Anyway, no matter what my diagnosis was, it was really beneficial for me to learn what BPD is. Really. To me, people with BPD is like as if their little one inside them is screaming in the adult body, for longing love. Basically (I think) people with BPD think they are a piece of shit or garbage about themselves at the very bottom. And at the same time, wanting to be rescued by a perfect someone who can accept everything - including all those darkness. I mean everything.  When someone is coming closer to the people with BPD, and if he or she shows love, they test the person. And it - their requirement/expectation to the perfect rescuer - is most likely to escalate, higher and higher. Non stop. They REALLY need love but any kind of loving act towards them are never enough to feel they are truly fine and loved. Never ending test, in order to feel "This person REALLY would never abandon me?" It, from outside, looks like the act of "Come here-Go away" "I hate you! Don't leave me!" And of course, there is no such a "perfect" rescuer in this world, not only for people with BPD but also for anyone. The tragedy continues even if changing the rescuer again and again, UNTIL they notice that they need to take care of themselves by themselves and find a proper boundary with others. Also if there is any enabler around, they have to re-think their relationship. (If they truly care each other, they can rebuild their relationship, even if it's not easy. That's I believe, anyway.) 
Maybe for some people, this sounded like very complicated...? To me, very simple...
I think... Many of them just don't know yet; nobody but only the self can rescue the self. First, person with BPD needs to accept themselves as who they are and also accept nobody is perfect, including themselves, AND it's totally fine. If notice that, people around them can support (not rescue) with full of love and the person with BPD also gradually can accept the love from others too. Anyway, first, I say again, everybody needs to accept/love self who he or she is as he/she is.  Once got that, there are so many opportunities... I could write so much more about this kind of thing. Of course, it's all just my opinion/thoughts and some other people may think differently. Anyway... I stop now...

--------
Bit about myself again.
...After moving here, trying so hard to feel okay and act okay. Doing my best in many ways. Starting with learning English and then photography, etc etc........ Only when I was producing something (art and music) or performing on stage, I felt I was truly there and didn't feel losing myself, but otherwise, it had been difficult. I could not feel that I existed anywhere. I first thought it may be because I live in a foreign country (which is... kinda made a lot of senses to me at first) but it had been getting worse and I was gradually really confused and noticed that it was really something wrong. And... yes got the point to ask help, finally. In fact, my therapist was surprised I had never seen any psychiatrists or therapists in my life after getting know me. But really, this was the first time to see someone for this reason. Really everything was new to me. And I really realized I needed that so bad.   Then, finally, I'm here, now...

My therapist told me, "used to... many people tended to think BPD don't have any hope to be cured. But it's really NOT true! I believe that that's the easiest to be cured among the other personality disorders." (note; having said 'easiest', but it's not that easy, of course. Need proper guidance and support. But NEVER impossible. THERE IS HOPE.) Anyway, I believe so too.  ...I wanted to write what she said; however, unfortunately I could not recall every parts of her words. (If I write her words, I want to do accurately. But I could not. Then... I found by chance someone wrote about BPD and its cure here which overlapped what my therapist said so I'll add the link here to enclose this post. If you are curious... And if someone has been struggling and don't know what to do, or want to feel freer from many things which tie you to darkness, it might help to know.  Maybe... anyway, just in case, I add the link.
http://borderline-personality.yoexpert.com/borderline-personality-disorder/can-borderline-personality-disorder-be-cured-5170.html
So........ Love to you all. And I hope you love yourself, truly, in healthy good way. Even if you feel there is no future, everyday is new day and tomorrow must come.  Please keep going. You know, I do too.

Tokohttp://tokoshiiki.com

Story behind the documentary movie, "Peace ∞ Piece"

Peace ∞ Piece - find a way to bring us 'peace of mind' from Toko Shiiki on Vimeo.
"Documentary about a 23-year-old girl, Ashley: Finding a way she has found peace through a struggle, and hoping to help others with their own struggles..." Featuring Ashley Hubbard.
Directed by Toko Shiiki
--------------------------
I have been working on a series, "Inner-life documentary" since 2009, in order to visualize what has been really going on inside me. At the same time, I started a psycho therapy to overcome my own struggle (with mental disorders). I'm now at almost the end of my therapy. By going through the internal journey, I have learned a lot. Especially, how important to truly love ourselves/be kind to ourselves, that's fundamentals of happy healthy peaceful life. I tried to find the best way to express what I have learned but I could not get it right away. While I was searching the right medium to express that, fortunately Ashley shared her story with me. It resonated so well. At that moment, I believed that I must document Ashley; through her, I could deliver the message gently and also powerfully to others. To do this, I thought I must make a movie, instead of photographing her. This is, for me, for the first time to make a movie but once I have done, I have even more stronger belief inside me, and really want to share many people who might find benefit from this. I have a confidence that the message of this movie will reach a wide audience, of course, especially someone has trich but also who are coping with their own struggles.


I'm truly thankful to Ashley. She is a special gift for me. She has shared her wise soul. She talks so genuinely. Every single part what she shared was a treasure for me to capture. Yes, of course, without her, I could never do this. I feel the whole process to make this movie; I tried to find how to express this, and Ashely told me her story, and then hosting the origami workshop and on that day I had a camera with me which can film (I didn't plan to do shoot movies on that day), IS meant to be...

Like Ashley also said inside the movie, I also think maybe there will be step-backs every once in a while, in my life, also. But, even so, I now feel okay. I have faith that I can come back here and continue to move forward.

Lastly I'd like to say.... "Even if you feel alone, believe me, you are not alone."

Thank you... with love,

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Why "Now"? - so, here is my answer...

Not many people visit or read this blog (according to the "Stats" of this blog), which is fine with me, but every once in a while I receive such a nice personal message from friends ;) Thank you so much...

After the entries I wrote about my "internal" journey recently, I received this question:
 "Why is this reflection coming out now?  because your therapy is ending now?"

You know, this is actually I also wanted to write out in order to keep "the moment" vividly inside me, because I sense this would become one of my milestones, in future. Really a significant moment for me.

So here is my answer... ;)

I think it's because...  .........
I could re-visit to my childhood internally by doing the session with my therapist. I could See, Feel, Think, and then Digest those things, once again. (most of them, when I was little, I could not even understand what was really going on around me) In the whole process, I could find pieces of a big puzzle one by one, and finally I could put all the puzzle pieces together and could see the picture formed from them. The picture shows "my life". One day, I had a huge "Uh-Huh!!" moment by putting all those memory pieces together and saw the overall view of that. Then I burst into tears. Not because of sadness but happiness to be able to see that, and witnessing, "I'm finally here, now. I can see the overall view from here where I am now." It is as if I'm standing on a hill to see the wide view of my life (so far), underneath. And... it was not that bad...
And on the same day, right after I had the huge "Uh-Huh!!" moment, when I was swimming in my favorite swimming pool (because it is a salt water pool! I feel I'm purified by swimming there), I felt as if I was going through some kind of transparent membrane in the water, and then felt enormous amount of love, to myself.  TO MYSELF! Huge appreciation to the all 'myself' inside me who came to now, baby Toko, little Toko, teenager Toko, adult Toko... I felt my body shape became long inside the water. All the stories of myself were inside the long body.  At that moment I just wanted to scream, "Oh! Thank you!! I love myself!" and wanted to celebrate that. "Thank you for somehow continuing to swim until "Now". You know that? You went through that! I love you, Toko!" Maybe nonsense to other people. But I felt 'this' so strongly.
...I do know this is really a self-centered internal conversation and I'm shamelessly writing this in this sort of public space. But honestly, I really felt so, at that moment. Such a thing was... for the first time, in my life. I really glad that I could have the moment.

My self hatred was SO strong since I was little. Somehow because of that, ironically I could cope with the difficulties, in the past. But also because of that, I created lots of problems. Now I'd like to say, "I can't say what I have done in the past were right or wrong but at least I can clearly say I'm glad anyhow I came here, now! Good job, Toko! Don't have to feel the self hatred anymore." Huge grief and then warmth emerged from deep inside me.

To be honest with you, every once in a while, I still have the moment: going back to the darkness I have held inside me for a long time, but even so I can go through that, again and again. I believe so. I am okay to swim forward. Keep going.

So, after the moments, I wanted to write about all the reflections. I hope this somehow makes sense to you. No?

Thank you for asking this...

Love,

Toko


http://tokoshiiki.com

Grief

"Grief Moment"

When I was much younger (during early teenager), many times I said to myself - "I want to be a strong person"

... I thought a strong person was someone who would never be sad or down because of what other people had done to the person, or no fear against anything in life, or didn't cry much, or could fight against something wrong bravely, or could say what he/she thought honestly to anyone.

Maybe they are also not wrong (there is no specific correct answer for this, I think... each people might think differently) but...
...but then, now, at this point of my life, I think... "a strong person" is more like... someone who can face to their own weakness/shadow and instead of closing eye or running away from them, rather, confront the shadow inside themselves (even if it's with a huge pain) and, even if deep darkness covers up them and can not see well, still never give up to step forward.
And...
To do so, I think it's okay to cry too. It's okay to have grief moments. (I could not cry at all when I was little. I'm now telling, "You can cry. It's totally okay thing.") Also I think it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to ask a help when I needed. And then once the tear-clouds has gone and became clear sky spread in myself, again, move forward...
Every time I have a grief moment, something melting inside me. Something has been purified deep inside me.

...I believe that this is not only the way to be strong but to me, this is very significant thing to keep in my mind.


I can cry now. Actually I somehow cry everyday. With or without reasons. I didn't know that I have needed this for a long time. I've been little by little, releasing and..........

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Happiness Seeds: Message in a Backpack Project...

 

So, finally completed the website for Messages in a Backpack Project - "Exchanging messages with the earthquake/tsunami survivors in Japan"

I wrote about the project a lot, here: 

http://tokoshiiki.com/about_mb_project.html

So, if you'd like to know more about the project, please read the page :)

and

Here is the website:

http://tokoshiiki.com/mbproject.html

I hope you enjoy this......

---------

I am one of Japanese who heard the news about the earthquake in the other country. A strong coldness ran into my body when I got to know about it. Fear, sadness, anger, or I don't even know, many kinds of mixed emotions were crazily becoming a vortex inside. How are they really doing? Is he alive? Does she find her mom? Guilt; I was not there. Felt so far far away from my home country. "What is really going on?" I felt very helpless. 

...But at the same time... I didn't want to just stay in the sadness. Rather, I wanted to do something. But...     "What can I do, really?" 

That was the biggest question at that time. The disaster was too much anyway for me to even imagine.

...No matter what I tried so hard, I could not truly experience the disaster in just my imagination; however, I could imagine how this event will strongly effect on their lives (not only physically, but also mentally), especially younger people.

    ***

When I was around eight and nine years old, I was alone most of the time. I didn't talk or eat much. I threw up many times. I was very skinny ugly one who didn't have a friend. I could not express my sadness, fear, or anger. I think I didn't even know how to do. There were many difficulties for me to be at school and at home. I was drawing and writing stories to escape from the hardness in my room, alone, everyday, all the time. At that time, IF someone had written a letter to me... 

   ***

At that time, I loved the story "The Secret Garden" by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I sometimes became Mary in my mind. I dreamed about opening the secret garden someday. One day I started writing a letter to Mary and also wrote a response from her. I took the photo of Mary (a tiny painting of her face on the front page of the book. She is in the secret garden in the painting. It was a very blur image. Only one time I showed the photo to someone.) I know, this is totally just in my imagination but I really dreamed to be a friend of her and exchange letters with her. I was very lonely and I didn't even think how silly what I was doing at that time: Writing letter to myself as the imaginary friend Mary and writing a response to her. But, seriously... actually... to be honest with you, it encouraged me. (I have never told this story before to anyone...) Too weird? maybe... well... I was very serious at that time.

-------

... Long story short, when I have heard about the difficulties which those kids in the Tohoku area were experiencing, I wanted to let them know, "you are not alone. Someone in the other place is truly thinking of you." And started thinking about "how can I let them know about this?" and later it became this project...  

This might be really really small thing for the survivors, to compare to what they really have to go through. But... if they (actually not only the survivors but also the people who wrote a message to them) felt something by participating in this message exchanging project... that can be something really important later in their lives....
Or, maybe nothing. But, I think it's fine in both ways. In any case, I really really really enjoyed doing this. Yes, like the man whom I met in Japan said, this is "Planting happiness seeds". I enjoy planting them. By thinking about the seeds, I am happy too.  Yes, hopefully they will bloom later... 

---

... I stop now... wrote toooooo much... I know!

...Please take some time to see these messages between people living on opposite sides of the planet. And if you feel something in-between those words and words... well...... I truly stop. ;p

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Thoughts about Postcards Project: Japan Relief 2011

I've been thinking a lot recently, "Why did I decide to do this postcard project?" We can send money without creating postcards, so why? Why postcards?

...First of all, I wanted to do something for the Japanese people in such a difficult situation, of course.  After the earthquake on March 11th, I felt so helpless and sad because I could not do much for them, living on the other side of the planet, in Michigan. Sending money was one thing I could do. But I felt I needed to send something more, to somehow connect more deeply with them.

One day, I heard someone saying "Japan was destroyed". At that time I thought, "Wait... was Japan really destroyed?"  Of course, it's wasn't completely true, and I soon realized that the person who said this didn't literally mean it. But hearing this news of Tsunami was really shocking and strong to me. Since Japan is a very small country, I understood how this person thought it could be totally destroyed. Then it occurred to me that I'd love to share some images of Japan with people on this planet.   ...But how?

Luckily, I know several great artists in Japan who have been experiencing the earthquakes.  I started asking them if they'd be interested to contribute an image of Japan, or image which might convey their thoughts and feelings from this disaster. I would then make postcards of their images to sell and raise money for Japan Relief.

Also, since 2005, I have been fortunate to befriend many American photographers, who have visited and who dearly love Japan. Since I knew their images are wonderful, I'd like to include the images of impressions of Japan from people from another country. Fortunately, many of them joined this project!

And one more great thing! I have known such great artists in Michigan!
Some of them got to know that I have been organizing this project and asked me whether they also could join!  That was such a fantastic idea which I didn't have first! So, the possibilities which more people could join this project has been bigger! Also I started asking artists around me, "if you are interested..." Many of them contributed their beautiful images and created the postcards...
Yes.... Now, not only Japan and Michigan. Even from artist in France was interested in joining this project... This is really wow...

On the backside of the all the postcards are the words: "Japan Relief 2011".
I imagined that these postcards would begin traveling around the world...
Maybe someone who also wants to help support the cause will buy the postcards, and someday perhaps write a message on it, to send to her/his friend.  Thus, the postcards become a bridge to connect people. Someone might notice the words, "Japan Relief 2011" and wonder why/how the postcards were created. I hope that someone might see the postcard image and then feel something warm, intrigue, encouragement, or love.  It's all open-ended. I wish for the postcards to travel freely around the world and generate love.

All the money we raise will be sent to the victims in Japan. I don't know if this effort be much help at all.  Perhaps I'm just a dreamer (like John sings), but I really hope this fundraiser will have some positive effect...

Dear artist friends, thank you for joining this project. All of your beautiful images are so meaningful, and they add strong power to this project.

The postcards will be released on 12th April at first - roughly one month after the first earthquake.
I'd like to say to the cards, "Bon Voyage!!!"

If you are close to Ann Arbor, Michigan, please join us at this event! There will be wonderful local musicians playing for the event!! At Yellow Barn, 416 W. Huron, Ann Arbor, MI
I'll continue to keep you posted with further details as this project develops.
Thank you so much from my heart...

Toko


http://tokoshiiki.com

Middle of Nowhere...

One more video from the greenfield. (camera/direct - Eric Perry, edit - me)

This beautiful music is written by Rosendo E. Santos, JR. He is my father in law whom I don't have a chance to meet. Anyway, he left many beautiful music pieces... So, I asked my husband to use one of his pieces for the footage that Eric and I have shot.

These footage are including Eric's favorites. Really, his camera works are great... Interestingly, when we shot these parts, we had NO idea what they were going to be. "What are we doing? But anyway let's continue to do!" Something like that... (Cotton Candy parts are more, something at least I knew what the outcome would be - some parts, still I didn't have any idea, though...)

After completed the first video, Eric told me that I didn't use his favorite footage for the Cotton Candy one. I knew it but I could not use them because they didn't fit anywhere in that song in my mind. After this melody popped up in my mind, immediately all images linked together. Once started editing, so quickly tied up. That's a good sign, I guess...

By the way, I really love the Italian movie "La Strada" from my heart. Actually when I was editing this, I was thinking about her, Gelsomina. Yes, the lonely abandoned girl (her age, maybe "lady" is more appropriate, but she is a "forever girl".) Because of her friend, she somehow found out even such a small pebble has a meaning to exist in this world. It is just amazing to see her (the slight change in her!) The ending of the movie is painfully sad but at least she once felt she also has a meaning of staying there, in her life. Hm... wow...

Toko


http://tokoshiiki.com

Cotton Candy World...

I wrote this song the beginning of this year. I didn't expect that I could make a video like this! Thank you Eric! Yes, my photographer friend, Eric Perry suddenly took me to the field to do the video shooting. All improvisations. He calls doing this kind of collaboration as "Creative Celebration" I love the naming...


A day later, I was in a daydream. Concentrated on something I could feel/see/touch in the world. I was there with myself at four years old. Originally she was in a storage room of the place and drawing something on sheets of paper. She was so concentrated on what she was doing. I didn't want to interrupted her. For a while, I was observing her. And next moment, I strongly felt that I had to take her out side of the room. I jumped into the room from a big window and hold her hand and... Ran together. It was actually great feeling... No conversation between us. But I knew she was pretty comfortable with me. Looked around and felt her new place. I felt mother kind of love to her and started to be confused. So confused. Many questions, even angers. Anger? I don't know how to explain. But, I really wanted to protect her from any of the darkness behind her.

OK, I stop now...

If someone read this, I guess that they think... "What the hell...? Is Toko OK?"

I have no comment for that...

I'm on the way of my journey. I guess...

What can I really see? Where am I truly?
Asking and thinking... and moving forward...


Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Let it go

My keywords of this year, 2010 is...
"Let it go".

In fact, it's not often easy for me to do so BUT now I am learning.
There are still many things that are bothering me in the world. They made me sad, depressed, or irritated. I'm really sad to feel something like this...
Are they even important to hold in my mind??? Are they really something significant in my life? My answer is "No".
So, just say, "Let it go" and "Let it be"
And be free...

Am I ...?

(*I deleted this post...)