Time Traveler - memoirs 3

A few days ago, I watched a documentary movie, "Bully" (2011 Directed by Lee Hirsch). In the movie, one of the kids quietly answered to his mom, "Gradually I don't feel anything." (His mom asked him why he didn't tell her about the bullied situation at all, and how he felt about being in the circumstance.)  The scene struck my heart. I totally understood what he meant. When I was around 8 years old, I was him.

Even if somebody in the school kicked, punched, or threw something on my face, I could not tell anyone about it. And gradually I could not feel anything. Numb. I was like as if a person just quietly waited until a storm has passed. When I found my belongings inside trash cans, I felt embarrassed and tried to hide about the incidents from others, especially my mom. I tried to hide everything. (I was thinking about the reason why I tried to hide, during the therapy. I think... I finally found my own reason why I did so. I won't write about it here.)
I knew it was not only me, there were several targets in the school but I felt completely alone in the space at that time. I gradually could not eat and my sight became so narrow (basically I was always facing down). If I smelled food, I felt nauseous so during lunch time, I always went to the school infirmary (I think this is a crazy situation. How could nobody in the school tell about it to my family? ...) I spent lunch time on the bed. I felt as if I was sucked into the white ceiling above myself. (After I threw up a few times at school, I became a "lunchtime-phobia".)

Here is one outtake photo. Yes, I shot this in the school infirmary. It was so much smaller than I remembered. And the sheets were pink. (pink!) The teacher/school nurse moved to other school in the same town. I asked the principal to tell "Thank you" for me since she knows her.

 Around that time, I was already so skinny but even more became looked like a wooden stick (somebody called me so. Or "Tori-gara" - means chicken bone for soup stock.) I gradually stopped going to the school. I stayed at my small room and I kept drawing many many "stories" on many pieces of paper.

If...... instead my father was shouting at my mom, "She is just lazy. You spoiled her." or called me ugly or disgusting child, if he had asked me "What's wrong with you?" or "Are you okay?" with love... it would have been different? Maybe so. When I saw the aforementioned documentary movie, "Bully", I thought so. There are so many kids in those kinds of situations in their schools. BUT, if their parents, teachers, or someone around him or her notice that and show care or love, he or she may be able to move forward. So... I appreciated my mom's support. She didn't ask me directly anything what was really going on but, at least she said to the father, "I think she has been sick. She is not just lazy."and took me to a hospital. When I talked with the psychiatrist, (I didn't know he was a psychiatrist at that time) I felt finally someone could listen to me and understand what I had been feeling and dealing with. I cried for the first time in front of someone. And I finally could talk with my mom a bit after the visit. I saw she cried. It was powerful for me to see she was crying for me. It was the first time and last time (at this point). I also heard my teacher was crying when she was visiting my mom. She apologized and said, "I didn't know anything." (...really? anyway...)  I decided to be strong after the hospital visit. (...and then ironically kinda created another types of problems later but anyway, really the little one was changed since then. No more shy. She could say what she thought or felt. She even fought against boys, etc etc...)

I needed to do this photo shooting in the school. I could not complete this project without visiting and shooting photos inside the space. So I wrote a letter to the principal to ask her whether I could visit there and do this photo session. She accepted me. (To be honest, I was surprised at first. Sort of expected they said no. I was so so so thankful, more than any words.) And also she asked me whether I could be a "one-day-teacher" for the 6th grade students of the school. That was............. amazing.............. Never never expected that I could do such a thing in the space. I'd love to write about it more.

...to be continued.

http://tokoshiiki.com

Time Traveler - memoirs 2

I could not write for a while. My mind went somewhere else. (Where?! Really... ughhhh)
Anyway... If I think too much, I can not write at all. So I decided to write whatever comes in my mind when I saw those images I shot in those places.

An outtake in the town where I was born. (click to larger view, if you like...)

I loved this pedestrian bridge (actually kinda higher than I expected. Of course, when I was little, it was really high for the girl, but it IS still high for adult myself too! wow) I never expected to be allowed to go on that and shoot this portrait, since it was inside my kindergarten. (the gate was locked) I didn't remember where the kindergarten was but once I got to the old house/dorm, my memory came back like waterfall and took me there. Great to see this bridge was not changed at all. I opened the gate (that was easy to unlock) of the kindergarten. I went inside. Why not, right? Well... I was kinda shaky, to be honest, and was thinking "how should I explain about myself and the reason why I am here now?" An old lady came out, with very calm smile... and also a question mark on her face. I explained to her who I was. (..."who was I"? ...really who was I? ...)  She accepted me.

Great thing was... She remembered me. !  I mean once I mentioned my name, she recalled her memories about the little one. (Yes, I have such an unusual name) She was the principal of the kindergarten.
"You were so quiet and continued to draw something on paper alone, all the time."
"This" was more than enough for me to visit there. To know the fact, somebody remembered the little one. (yaay) The invisible girl whose parents didn't even talk to her or notice her much.

My old teacher gave my husband and me two packs of cold fruit juice, after the shooting. Then she unobtrusively asked me, "...What did you wear during your photo shooting?" I told her, "It was a bubble. A capsule." She seemed to really want to ask me more about "that bubble thing" but didn't. Instead, she said, "I see..." and silence was surrounded us. A cat was sleeping behind me, so so peacefully. I was thankful that she stopped asking about it at that time.

One more outtake in the place.

They (me and the little one) were happy there, during this visit. It meant A LOT.

...to be continued 
 
http://tokoshiiki.com

Time Traveler - memoirs 1 - a bit more about the journey

"Time Traveler" is my newest personal photo project. (you can see the whole project on my website, http://tokoshiiki.com/time_traveler/index.html") This is the artist statement of the project:

"Time Traveler"
At the conclusion of psycho-therapy, in the 40th anniversary of my life, I decided to travel to Japan, to visit several locations from my childhood that had greatly influenced my personality.  During therapy, I had visited these difficult places, in my mind and heart, in order to find my own lost little self. When I would find the little one there, I would hold her hand, to live every "now" together. I told her, "You are safe now with me."  This therapy was very beneficial, but after the last session, I kept wondering: "Are these places actually the dark places I remember? Shouldn't I witness those places now, in person, as an adult, in order to confirm that these stories belong to my past, and I belong to now? Might visiting these places bring closure to my therapy?"

I asked my husband to be my witness on this journey.  I decided to photograph my self in these environments, as evidence of my process. With the help of warm, kind people, like my husband, friends, and teachers from my former schools, I was able to make an important inter-outer journey. The outcome was, is… so much more than this photographic evidence, it is a new beginning.

------------------

I chose 11 images for the final cut. Of course, I shot so much more. And there are lots of stories rather than these 11 images could tell. ...Maybe nobody cares these stories but for myself, I thought... why don't I write them? (It's basically for me, and also IF there is anyone who is interested to know about the journey a bit more than the photographic images. So, I decided to write here on my blog)  I plan to add several outtakes to this space too, which I've never done before (I mean I have never shown outtakes from my project publicly). Well I'm really not sure how it goes but anyway I'll keep going and hoping it keeps growing.

Okay, so here is the first image. And also, my day 1 of this project. (click to enlarge)

I really wanted to start this photographic journey in this location, which was in front of the house where I was born. It was not actually a regular house but a dorm for nurse students. I was born at the hospital which the nurses belonged to. My parents were really young and broke. They lived one room in the dorm by working as a caretaker. I won't write about the detail of my memories inside the room but that's the first place I visited with my therapist when I started the therapy...

I could not find the specific address of the dorm. (I didn't want to ask my mom about it. Without telling her, I wanted to do this.) But I thought... "If I go to the town, I would remember?"  However, it was difficult. I didn't quite get where I was right now when I got the train station. So, I needed to ask some people about it. Gradually I found out the place was no longer used as a dorm since several years ago. Finally a kind farmer who was at his small farmer's market called his friends and found out the information about the dorm (I bought 2 oranges from him.)
Interestingly, when I was walking down the hill close to the place, gradually I recalled something like... "I ran on this hill with my mom. Oh I found a broken door in the grass over there." Then, I finally found the house. I felt something like... "That's it? oh... sure..." Not really I was emotional or anything like that.

The actual place/ the house was not really good location to photograph, so I chose to shoot on the long stairs across the street. I thought visually so much intriguing, and also when I stood there, I could see the house.  ...Seriously, I NEVER noticed the actual house was in the round shape mirror which we see on the right side of this image, until I saw the photo on my computer, which was truly a great coincidence. I mean... I screamed when I saw it. I loved this image so much more when I noticed the fact.

I want to write about the day of wandering the town a bit more with outtakes, but long story short, those people whom I met in the town were all SO kind... I had such a great start. On the day, already I felt strongly, "I am doing a right thing." It's all for myself. ...Selfish? Maybe... I felt so too. But. Yes, I needed to do. And, oh yes, crazily thankful to receive the kindness and care, while doing this shooting... in those places.

...to be continued

http://tokoshiiki.com

"Now or Never". Something I wanted to write, NOW.

Here is a video about my photography & video installation, which I shot at the gallery and edited in this way to share with people who could not make it. It was really meaningful for me to build the installation in this year 2012. You know, I feel like, I went though a long dark tunnel, finally....
Anyway, if you have 4 minutes... Hope you enjoy :)


"Now or Never" - Photography & Video Installation at the show "10 under 40" River Gallery Fine Art Chelsea, MI from Toko Shiiki on Vimeo.

I shot this installation inside the River Gallery Fine Art in Chelsea Michigan.
Here is the artist statement: "Now or Never"
********
This is my internal journey with my little self, to reconcile my present with my past, something I've neglected for a long time.

One day the beginning of the winter 2012, I used a Holga (a plastic toy camera) and opened the shutter for a long time in a small dim room, and recorded myself on film. Not sure of what the outcome would be, I was very surprised when I first glimpsed the negative -- I felt I had captured a self portrait of me as both an adult and child.

For last several years, I had had one idea on my mind - through photography, could it be possible for me to “meet the little Toko”? After seeing the image, I felt a need to continue shooting in the same way: long exposure in dim light, finding images of myself as both adult and child, with the toy camera.

And I've been wondering and wandering… "Who connected the time?" "Where will they go?"

------------------------------------------
I'd love to write this out now, about one of the milestone-moments of my life...

I finally had the last step, out of the room. Two years ago or so, it seemed to be far FAR away: Having the day of "graduation" from my psychotherapy...  ...Truly speechless to have the moment. Anyway, finally got that day several days ago.
It was the moment I ended my therapy and also it's the beginning of... new chapter of my life journey/story.

...Anyways, THIS MEANT A LOT to me to have the day. The last question was "How do you feel now, about to have the last session?" ...something like that? I'm not quite sure because my mind became blank white instantly to hear that. "How do I feel????? I did not even know how I should feel?!?!?" I could not answer right away, actually until the end of the session. Before ending the session, I finally answered to the question, "I'm feeling so thankful" with tears, of joy.

The very first day, I didn't really know the reason why I was recommended to see the specific kind of therapist. I just needed help, so badly, asap. Confusion. Shame. Hatred towards myself. I felt like... as if I was about to explode, internally. But even so I didn't know why or what was really going on. I just hated to be like that. When I called the office, I was seeking help so badly but at the same time, I kinda... to be honest with you, half doubted about doing the therapy. "Does this really help...?"

There have been SO many things had to be processed, inside me but I didn't even know that. I was wondering why I had to dig holes inside me to pull those old darkness from my past, again. At first, it seemed to be silly thing to do. "Why does this help?" but at the same time, I had no other idea to make things better. So I decided to follow my therapist, since I committed to do the session with her. Anyway, I decided to be honest with her and also myself, as much as I could.

Before starting the session, I had somehow stayed at "reality" but so many times, I actually disassociated from "that". Sometimes, I didn't remember how long I 'went away' even in the middle of a conversation with someone, or in public spaces. I had huge panic waves. Sometimes another myself was staring at the whole situation. Hard to breath. Sometimes I could not hear well or see. I didn't quite feel "I exist in this world" and it was getting worse. Didn't know where to be, or go. But, how could I ask someone, "Could you please teach me how to be me? Could you please teach me how to live life? How to love myself? Who am I?" you think they are silly questions? But... really I didn't know how to figure out those things. ... at that time of my life, I didn't know what to do anymore, just by myself. I thought I have done a lot already before coming to US but I felt I completely lost any way to move forward. So... I decided to do anything she (my therapist) recommended me to do, or suggested me to do.
And... ..................Really truly, glad that I did not stop that until the end................ Already I really wanted to change my life when I was in Japan. I could not stand my life anymore. That's the reason why I decided to move to US and wanted to start over. Started learning English and saved money and came here, to learn what I really wanted. It was a big shift and seemed like changed a lot in good ways, BUT things were not that easy. The dark shadow part of myself was showing up in front of me gradually more often, which I was never expected before leaving Japan. Things were supposed to be getting better but mental status had been getting worse. I didn't know why, back then (Now I kinda knew why) But that's why I could FINALLY admit, "I need help". Very sad and hard but I had to admit that. (And I'm glad about it... now) I think......... I could not do this IF I had stayed in Japan. (It's different story, so I won't write now.)

...Now I more aware, unfortunately there are many people who could not have a chance to 'lean' (I'm not sure this word is correct) "you are precious being as just you are" from their care giver(s) which is usually parent(s). We all need the unconditional love and care when we are little. But many people didn't get that. ...And, many of us still somehow could find a way(s) to survive under the difficult circumstance, as a little one. And then... sadly those 'survivors' may form an abnormal personality development during such a difficult childhood - which also can develop self-hatred and self-harm issues. And all those old habitual unhealthy thinking patterns ARE really powerful and affect our lives, even became an adult. Notice or not, many people carry that in their lives. (I did too. I just didn't notice that before.) Yes, I am also one of them. I don't blame at my parents at this point but it was really not a good environment to live as a child. (seriously I didn't even think it was dysfunctional since it was the only family I knew and it was my everyday life.)  Anyway, again, it's another story. I stop now.

Until I started the therapy I didn't think in this way but actually, I believe now, the way of seeing world and interpreting events around me were most likely to be conditioned (I guess not everything but most of the things)  - "how to react" to some certain (positive things too but especially negative) things since I was little. It is a complete opposite from 'living now this moment' sort of zen mental status. Anyway, I mentally and physically reacted to some certain things in same or similar negative way, repeatedly... and hurt myself. Living with distorted cognition is really hard (if someone has been 'there', you may understand what I mean?) Anyway, I gradually could identify 'that' one by one with my therapist's support and guidance. It was quite new things to me. Gradually I could re-think and realize many illusions from past still affected my life negatively.
To be really honest, I sometimes still hear the negative voices inside me. But now, luckily I also instantly recognize that it came from past, not belong to my present time. It's all past! We can't change our past but at the same time, we no longer live in the past. We live now every new moment. He and she could never hurt me like used to and no longer need to hurt myself or dissociate from this body, in order to escape from that. The old voices can never completely bring me down in present time and future. I DO KNOW THAT now.

In order to really strongly believe/got to know 'that', I needed the all sessions with her. Session is basically re-learn self/life view and see the world with healthy mind's eyes. And also I needed to 'practice' some certain things for that, by myself, in my everyday life. I'm so fortunate that I have wonderful friends around me to support during the whole time. Truly. It was not easy but really great things to try anyway. I am really glad that I chose to do so.... Now, feel so much freer which is really wonderful and thankful... Those things used to bother me are not a big of deal anymore. Kind of feeling... "What was that?!?!?!" Anyway, huge relief..... ohhhhh... really.........

So... one more thing, I'd like to write. I haven't officially been diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder since I didn't meet 5 criteria out of the 9 when I started the therapy (I believe that there were some other reasons not to be diagnosed. By the way, I met 4 criteria.) My therapist truly believes that people with BPD formed those issues because of the distorted cognition and it's all trauma related symptoms, and she cares more how to re-think/re-build proper cognition, rather than focusing on what the each client's diagnostic name is. So, I decided to go with that, instead of focusing on figuring out what the specific mental disorder I had lived with.

During the session, in fact I was actually diagnosed as "Depersonalization disorder" and "PTSD" as a matter of convenience (for my insurance reason, sort to speak), but I think... to be really honest, NOW I think...... more like, I had been a person with BPD traits. (To me, BPD seems to be an extreme case of PTSD.) Even if officially I wasn't diagnosed and/or I may have not been (it's... all in gray zone to find out. I would never be able to find this answer, and also it is not much important, at this point...), I saw those traits in me anyway. I may not have been like a typical BPD. My anger was not going outside or to others, instead towards myself. All those things stayed inside. So, more likely not many people even noticed all those dark harsh storms inside me. Anyway, my self-hatred level was REALLY high. Tended to think "all or nothing". Fear of abandonment. Dissociation.  ...actually, I used to do self-harm acts, too - it was before coming US, over 10 years ago from now (I wonder... if I had met a psychiatrist back then, I would have been diagnosed as BPD? I'm kinda wondering about that. And wondering... most likely the answer was "yes", if I have met a right psychiatrist back then. Once I learned more about BPD, I was like the high functioning BPD person, in many ways. Anyway...) I knew two people with BPD in my life (That's why I initially got to know about it) and I also experienced to ride on their emotional roller-coasters. It was... really hard, least to say. I felt huge pains from them. I knew they didn't even know how to stop or what to do. Of course, I could not rescue them even if I wanted. (maybe, , IF I had known about BPD more, I could have been able to support in much better ways rather than just being an enabler...) And then... I also had a fear of being like them, but (or because?) I knew they were very similar to me. I just could not open my emotion like them, but at the very bottom, I was very much like them. I knew "it" has been also in me.
...Anyway, no matter what my diagnosis was, it was really beneficial for me to learn what BPD is. Really. To me, people with BPD is like as if their little one inside them is screaming in the adult body, for longing love. Basically (I think) people with BPD think they are a piece of shit or garbage about themselves at the very bottom. And at the same time, wanting to be rescued by a perfect someone who can accept everything - including all those darkness. I mean everything.  When someone is coming closer to the people with BPD, and if he or she shows love, they test the person. And it - their requirement/expectation to the perfect rescuer - is most likely to escalate, higher and higher. Non stop. They REALLY need love but any kind of loving act towards them are never enough to feel they are truly fine and loved. Never ending test, in order to feel "This person REALLY would never abandon me?" It, from outside, looks like the act of "Come here-Go away" "I hate you! Don't leave me!" And of course, there is no such a "perfect" rescuer in this world, not only for people with BPD but also for anyone. The tragedy continues even if changing the rescuer again and again, UNTIL they notice that they need to take care of themselves by themselves and find a proper boundary with others. Also if there is any enabler around, they have to re-think their relationship. (If they truly care each other, they can rebuild their relationship, even if it's not easy. That's I believe, anyway.) 
Maybe for some people, this sounded like very complicated...? To me, very simple...
I think... Many of them just don't know yet; nobody but only the self can rescue the self. First, person with BPD needs to accept themselves as who they are and also accept nobody is perfect, including themselves, AND it's totally fine. If notice that, people around them can support (not rescue) with full of love and the person with BPD also gradually can accept the love from others too. Anyway, first, I say again, everybody needs to accept/love self who he or she is as he/she is.  Once got that, there are so many opportunities... I could write so much more about this kind of thing. Of course, it's all just my opinion/thoughts and some other people may think differently. Anyway... I stop now...

--------
Bit about myself again.
...After moving here, trying so hard to feel okay and act okay. Doing my best in many ways. Starting with learning English and then photography, etc etc........ Only when I was producing something (art and music) or performing on stage, I felt I was truly there and didn't feel losing myself, but otherwise, it had been difficult. I could not feel that I existed anywhere. I first thought it may be because I live in a foreign country (which is... kinda made a lot of senses to me at first) but it had been getting worse and I was gradually really confused and noticed that it was really something wrong. And... yes got the point to ask help, finally. In fact, my therapist was surprised I had never seen any psychiatrists or therapists in my life after getting know me. But really, this was the first time to see someone for this reason. Really everything was new to me. And I really realized I needed that so bad.   Then, finally, I'm here, now...

My therapist told me, "used to... many people tended to think BPD don't have any hope to be cured. But it's really NOT true! I believe that that's the easiest to be cured among the other personality disorders." (note; having said 'easiest', but it's not that easy, of course. Need proper guidance and support. But NEVER impossible. THERE IS HOPE.) Anyway, I believe so too.  ...I wanted to write what she said; however, unfortunately I could not recall every parts of her words. (If I write her words, I want to do accurately. But I could not. Then... I found by chance someone wrote about BPD and its cure here which overlapped what my therapist said so I'll add the link here to enclose this post. If you are curious... And if someone has been struggling and don't know what to do, or want to feel freer from many things which tie you to darkness, it might help to know.  Maybe... anyway, just in case, I add the link.
http://borderline-personality.yoexpert.com/borderline-personality-disorder/can-borderline-personality-disorder-be-cured-5170.html
So........ Love to you all. And I hope you love yourself, truly, in healthy good way. Even if you feel there is no future, everyday is new day and tomorrow must come.  Please keep going. You know, I do too.

Tokohttp://tokoshiiki.com

Story behind the documentary movie, "Peace ∞ Piece"

Peace ∞ Piece - find a way to bring us 'peace of mind' from Toko Shiiki on Vimeo.
"Documentary about a 23-year-old girl, Ashley: Finding a way she has found peace through a struggle, and hoping to help others with their own struggles..." Featuring Ashley Hubbard.
Directed by Toko Shiiki
--------------------------
I have been working on a series, "Inner-life documentary" since 2009, in order to visualize what has been really going on inside me. At the same time, I started a psycho therapy to overcome my own struggle (with mental disorders). I'm now at almost the end of my therapy. By going through the internal journey, I have learned a lot. Especially, how important to truly love ourselves/be kind to ourselves, that's fundamentals of happy healthy peaceful life. I tried to find the best way to express what I have learned but I could not get it right away. While I was searching the right medium to express that, fortunately Ashley shared her story with me. It resonated so well. At that moment, I believed that I must document Ashley; through her, I could deliver the message gently and also powerfully to others. To do this, I thought I must make a movie, instead of photographing her. This is, for me, for the first time to make a movie but once I have done, I have even more stronger belief inside me, and really want to share many people who might find benefit from this. I have a confidence that the message of this movie will reach a wide audience, of course, especially someone has trich but also who are coping with their own struggles.


I'm truly thankful to Ashley. She is a special gift for me. She has shared her wise soul. She talks so genuinely. Every single part what she shared was a treasure for me to capture. Yes, of course, without her, I could never do this. I feel the whole process to make this movie; I tried to find how to express this, and Ashely told me her story, and then hosting the origami workshop and on that day I had a camera with me which can film (I didn't plan to do shoot movies on that day), IS meant to be...

Like Ashley also said inside the movie, I also think maybe there will be step-backs every once in a while, in my life, also. But, even so, I now feel okay. I have faith that I can come back here and continue to move forward.

Lastly I'd like to say.... "Even if you feel alone, believe me, you are not alone."

Thank you... with love,

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Finally I could release this "Peace ∞ Piece" Documentary Movie which I have been working on...

Peace ∞ Piece - find a way to bring us 'peace of mind' from Toko Shiiki on Vimeo.
"Documentary about a 23-year-old girl, Ashley: Finding a way she has found peace through a struggle, and hoping to help others with their own struggles..." Featuring Ashley Hubbard.
Directed by Toko Shiiki

http://tokoshiiki.com

Why "Now"? - so, here is my answer...

Not many people visit or read this blog (according to the "Stats" of this blog), which is fine with me, but every once in a while I receive such a nice personal message from friends ;) Thank you so much...

After the entries I wrote about my "internal" journey recently, I received this question:
 "Why is this reflection coming out now?  because your therapy is ending now?"

You know, this is actually I also wanted to write out in order to keep "the moment" vividly inside me, because I sense this would become one of my milestones, in future. Really a significant moment for me.

So here is my answer... ;)

I think it's because...  .........
I could re-visit to my childhood internally by doing the session with my therapist. I could See, Feel, Think, and then Digest those things, once again. (most of them, when I was little, I could not even understand what was really going on around me) In the whole process, I could find pieces of a big puzzle one by one, and finally I could put all the puzzle pieces together and could see the picture formed from them. The picture shows "my life". One day, I had a huge "Uh-Huh!!" moment by putting all those memory pieces together and saw the overall view of that. Then I burst into tears. Not because of sadness but happiness to be able to see that, and witnessing, "I'm finally here, now. I can see the overall view from here where I am now." It is as if I'm standing on a hill to see the wide view of my life (so far), underneath. And... it was not that bad...
And on the same day, right after I had the huge "Uh-Huh!!" moment, when I was swimming in my favorite swimming pool (because it is a salt water pool! I feel I'm purified by swimming there), I felt as if I was going through some kind of transparent membrane in the water, and then felt enormous amount of love, to myself.  TO MYSELF! Huge appreciation to the all 'myself' inside me who came to now, baby Toko, little Toko, teenager Toko, adult Toko... I felt my body shape became long inside the water. All the stories of myself were inside the long body.  At that moment I just wanted to scream, "Oh! Thank you!! I love myself!" and wanted to celebrate that. "Thank you for somehow continuing to swim until "Now". You know that? You went through that! I love you, Toko!" Maybe nonsense to other people. But I felt 'this' so strongly.
...I do know this is really a self-centered internal conversation and I'm shamelessly writing this in this sort of public space. But honestly, I really felt so, at that moment. Such a thing was... for the first time, in my life. I really glad that I could have the moment.

My self hatred was SO strong since I was little. Somehow because of that, ironically I could cope with the difficulties, in the past. But also because of that, I created lots of problems. Now I'd like to say, "I can't say what I have done in the past were right or wrong but at least I can clearly say I'm glad anyhow I came here, now! Good job, Toko! Don't have to feel the self hatred anymore." Huge grief and then warmth emerged from deep inside me.

To be honest with you, every once in a while, I still have the moment: going back to the darkness I have held inside me for a long time, but even so I can go through that, again and again. I believe so. I am okay to swim forward. Keep going.

So, after the moments, I wanted to write about all the reflections. I hope this somehow makes sense to you. No?

Thank you for asking this...

Love,

Toko


http://tokoshiiki.com