Where am I?

Grief

2012-01-27T21:29:00.002-05:00

"Grief Moment"

When I was much younger (during early teenager), many times I said to myself - "I want to be a strong person"

... I thought a strong person was someone who would never be sad or down because of what other people had done to the person, or no fear against anything in life, or didn't cry much, or could fight against something wrong bravely, or could say what he/she thought honestly to anyone.

Maybe they are also not wrong (there is no specific correct answer for this, I think... each people might think differently) but...
...but then, now, at this point of my life, I think... "a strong person" is more like... someone who can face to their own weakness/shadow and instead of closing eye or running away from them, rather, confront the shadow inside themselves (even if it's with a huge pain) and, even if deep darkness covers up them and can not see well, still never give up to step forward.
And...
To do so, I think it's okay to cry too. It's okay to have grief moments. (I could not cry at all when I was little. I'm now telling, "You can cry. It's totally okay thing.") Also I think it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to ask a help when I needed. And then once the tear-clouds has gone and became clear sky spread in myself, again, move forward...
Every time I have a grief moment, something melting inside me. Something has been purified deep inside me.

...I believe that this is not only the way to be strong but to me, this is very significant thing to keep in my mind.

I can cry now. Actually I somehow cry everyday. With or without reasons. I didn't know that I have needed this for a long time. I've been little by little, releasing and..........

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Calling for Visual Artists for Japan! Dragon Project for Tohoku Japan 2012

2011-12-22T18:02:00.001-05:00

Calling Visual Artists!!!
Nino (my friend in Paris) and Toko are working together on an international, collaborative project, in hopes of organizing a fundraiser exhibition for Tohoku, Japan (towards the construction of “Tohoku Rainbow House” for orphans)

Our plans are summarized in this little 1 minute video.
Could you take a time to watch?

Dragon Project for Japan 2012 from Toko Shiiki on Vimeo.

Any 2D arts, such as Drawing, Painting, Photographing are all great for this! (you can also make a sculpture and photograph, and print it!)
Make a cross-section of a dragon on a sheet of paper - 8x11 inches (approx. 20.5 cm x 28 cm)
We will send the template to you! Just let us know if you are interested!

All money will be sent to "Tohoku Rainbow House" Orphanage http://www.ashinaga.org/en/support/index.html

We plan to hold a fundraiser exhibition around March 11, 2012
(one year after the earthquake), in Ann Arbor MI and elsewhere!
(TBA)

If you are interested in participating, please let me know!
Toko at
dragonprojectjapan @ gmail.com

Let's make a long dragon! :D

http://tokoshiiki.com

Happiness Seeds: Message in a Backpack Project...

2011-11-11T20:08:00.006-05:00

So, finally completed the website for Messages in a Backpack Project - "Exchanging messages with the earthquake/tsunami survivors in Japan"

I wrote about the project a lot, here:

http://tokoshiiki.com/about_mb_project.html

So, if you'd like to know more about the project, please read the page :)

and

Here is the website:

http://tokoshiiki.com/mbproject.html

I hope you enjoy this......

---------

I am one of Japanese who heard the news about the earthquake in the other country. A strong coldness ran into my body when I got to know about it. Fear, sadness, anger, or I don't even know, many kinds of mixed emotions were crazily becoming a vortex inside. How are they really doing? Is he alive? Does she find her mom? Guilt; I was not there. Felt so far far away from my home country. "What is really going on?" I felt very helpless.

...But at the same time... I didn't want to just stay in the sadness. Rather, I wanted to do something. But... "What can I do, really?"

That was the biggest question at that time. The disaster was too much anyway for me to even imagine.

...No matter what I tried so hard, I could not truly experience the disaster in just my imagination; however, I could imagine how this event will strongly effect on their lives (not only physically, but also mentally), especially younger people.

***

When I was around eight and nine years old, I was alone most of the time. I didn't talk or eat much. I threw up many times. I was very skinny ugly one who didn't have a friend. I could not express my sadness, fear, or anger. I think I didn't even know how to do. There were many difficulties for me to be at school and at home. I was drawing and writing stories to escape from the hardness in my room, alone, everyday, all the time. At that time, IF someone had written a letter to me...

***

At that time, I loved the story "The Secret Garden" by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I sometimes became Mary in my mind. I dreamed about opening the secret garden someday. One day I started writing a letter to Mary and also wrote a response from her. I took the photo of Mary (a tiny painting of her face on the front page of the book. She is in the secret garden in the painting. It was a very blur image. Only one time I showed the photo to someone.) I know, this is totally just in my imagination but I really dreamed to be a friend of her and exchange letters with her. I was very lonely and I didn't even think how silly what I was doing at that time: Writing letter to myself as the imaginary friend Mary and writing a response to her. But, seriously... actually... to be honest with you, it encouraged me. (I have never told this story before to anyone...) Too weird? maybe... well... I was very serious at that time.

-------

... Long story short, when I have heard about the difficulties which those kids in the Tohoku area were experiencing, I wanted to let them know, "you are not alone. Someone in the other place is truly thinking of you." And started thinking about "how can I let them know about this?" and later it became this project...

This might be really really small thing for the survivors, to compare to what they really have to go through. But... if they (actually not only the survivors but also the people who wrote a message to them) felt something by participating in this message exchanging project... that can be something really important later in their lives....
Or, maybe nothing. But, I think it's fine in both ways. In any case, I really really really enjoyed doing this. Yes, like the man whom I met in Japan said, this is "Planting happiness seeds". I enjoy planting them. By thinking about the seeds, I am happy too. Yes, hopefully they will bloom later...

---

... I stop now... wrote toooooo much... I know!

...Please take some time to see these messages between people living on opposite sides of the planet. And if you feel something in-between those words and words... well...... I truly stop. ;p

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

IPA: International Photography Awards 2011 "In-between Midlife" 1st place in People - Other category

2011-08-16T12:24:00.001-04:00

The series... "In-between" (a.k.a. Moon Man) is very very important work for me. (Of course, other works also very important for me but finding the subject inside me was really amazing coincidence at that time of my life.)

I found Moon Man in me the end of last summer. In other words, I finally noticed him who has been there with me since I was little. My inner-life document photographic journey is an on-going project. Yes, keep moving forward...

Here is the link to the Winners Gallery: Winners Gallery ZOOM: Toko Shiiki "In-between"

If you want to see the whole images in the series, please visit:
http://tokoshiiki.com under "Portfolio "Midlife - Chapter 2 In-between"

Here is the press release about this. I'm very thankful to introduce Moon Man outside of the world... Thank you so very much. Toko
_____

Toko Shiiki was Awarded: 1st place in People - Other category for the winning entry "In-between "Midlife""

Entry Description: This is my inner-life document photographs; a story about a man lost his identity, in between birth and death. Where, when, did he start thinking he chose the wrong path and lost the idea of "who he is?" He found a face, and somehow began moving forward, again...

About Winner:  Born in Japan. Lived, Learned, and experienced in Tokyo most of her life and moved to Michigan, USA 2005. I have a passion for photography that tell a story. Many of my images are inspired by dreams and my life experiences. Now, I have been working on the "inner-life documentary" project, to visualize what I've experienced at this present time... I find photography to be a most effective way to express my view of the world (inside and outside.) No matter what my subject is, I want to create images that tell a story. But it is my hope that every time people see my photographs, they will feel encouraged to interpret the images in their own way. Art is my life power, and I am still finding ways to let it speak through me...   

About IPA: The International Photography Awards is a sister-effort of the Lucie Foundation, where the top three winners are announced at the annual Lucie Awards ceremony. The awards event will be held at the Lincoln Center in New York on October 24, 2011, before returning to Los Angeles in 2012 in celebration of the 10-year anniversary. Over 8,000 submissions from 90 countries were received for the 2011 International Photography Awards with over 70 jurors, the largest to date. The Foundation's mission is to honor master photographers, discover new and emerging talent, and promote the appreciation of photography. IPA is dedicated to recognizing contemporary photographers' accomplishments in this specialized and highly visible competition.
Visit www.photoawards.com for more details.

http://tokoshiiki.com

Thoughts about Postcards Project: Japan Relief 2011

2011-04-10T23:18:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot recently, "Why did I decide to do this postcard project?" We can send money without creating postcards, so why? Why postcards?

...First of all, I wanted to do something for the Japanese people in such a difficult situation, of course. After the earthquake on March 11th, I felt so helpless and sad because I could not do much for them, living on the other side of the planet, in Michigan. Sending money was one thing I could do. But I felt I needed to send something more, to somehow connect more deeply with them.

One day, I heard someone saying "Japan was destroyed". At that time I thought, "Wait... was Japan really destroyed?" Of course, it's wasn't completely true, and I soon realized that the person who said this didn't literally mean it. But hearing this news of Tsunami was really shocking and strong to me. Since Japan is a very small country, I understood how this person thought it could be totally destroyed. Then it occurred to me that I'd love to share some images of Japan with people on this planet. ...But how?

Luckily, I know several great artists in Japan who have been experiencing the earthquakes. I started asking them if they'd be interested to contribute an image of Japan, or image which might convey their thoughts and feelings from this disaster. I would then make postcards of their images to sell and raise money for Japan Relief.

Also, since 2005, I have been fortunate to befriend many American photographers, who have visited and who dearly love Japan. Since I knew their images are wonderful, I'd like to include the images of impressions of Japan from people from another country. Fortunately, many of them joined this project!

And one more great thing! I have known such great artists in Michigan!
Some of them got to know that I have been organizing this project and asked me whether they also could join! That was such a fantastic idea which I didn't have first! So, the possibilities which more people could join this project has been bigger! Also I started asking artists around me, "if you are interested..." Many of them contributed their beautiful images and created the postcards...
Yes.... Now, not only Japan and Michigan. Even from artist in France was interested in joining this project... This is really wow...

On the backside of the all the postcards are the words: "Japan Relief 2011".
I imagined that these postcards would begin traveling around the world...
Maybe someone who also wants to help support the cause will buy the postcards, and someday perhaps write a message on it, to send to her/his friend. Thus, the postcards become a bridge to connect people. Someone might notice the words, "Japan Relief 2011" and wonder why/how the postcards were created. I hope that someone might see the postcard image and then feel something warm, intrigue, encouragement, or love. It's all open-ended. I wish for the postcards to travel freely around the world and generate love.

All the money we raise will be sent to the victims in Japan. I don't know if this effort be much help at all. Perhaps I'm just a dreamer (like John sings), but I really hope this fundraiser will have some positive effect...

Dear artist friends, thank you for joining this project. All of your beautiful images are so meaningful, and they add strong power to this project.

The postcards will be released on 12th April at first - roughly one month after the first earthquake.
I'd like to say to the cards, "Bon Voyage!!!"

If you are close to Ann Arbor, Michigan, please join us at this event! There will be wonderful local musicians playing for the event!! At Yellow Barn, 416 W. Huron, Ann Arbor, MI
I'll continue to keep you posted with further details as this project develops.
Thank you so much from my heart...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Thinking and learning, a lot...

2011-04-02T01:20:00.000-04:00

After the earthquake, I have been thinking a lot of thing related to it.
Really still non of word is equivalent to express this whole condition over there.
There are several friends who live in the hard area. I still can't find one of them. My mom said, "Before the earthquake, I didn't appreciate my daily life much. I took it for granted. Everyday life seemed to be boring. Not exciting. However, this whole event told me how happy to have that "everyday life". I'm now so thankful to be able to do those things that are used to be just boring or non-special thing. This whole things tells me a lot. Everyday I'm learning."
I've been really learning too. She also said, "If there are two choices: holding worry, sadness, and anxiety or living now. I'd like to choose, focus, and appreciate "living now" this moment. I really agree with her.

Anyway, I'd like to do something... and got this idea: Postcard Project, Japan Relief 2011.
Now, I've been focusing "now" rather than just being sad, or holding negative thoughts. So much better... Thank many people who have been really supportive.....

OK, here is the details about the fundraiser event: Japan Relief 2011

A fundraiser using Art and Music to support Earthquake and Tsunami victims in Japan

(Here is the event page on FB http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=172994592749352 )

• Selling postcards and art works created by artists in Japan and Michigan to raise money for Japan!
(We will send the money via Japan Red Cross since they have a special account for the victims.)

• Live music by local musicians! The lineup will be announced very soon!! It will be a nice acoustic heartwarming jam!
Among those present will be:
members of October Babies (Erik Santos, Ben Lorenz, Dale King, Mike Ouellette, Toko Shiiki),
Frank Allison,
members of Dragon Wagon (Don Sicheneder, Troy Radikin), members of 16 More Miles (Jason Magee, Brian Poore),
members of Rootstand (Brant Losinki),
members of Origami Cat Plan (Paul Schubach)
members of Hullabaloo (Terry Carpenter),
members of 7 Come 11 (Leilani & Dennis O'Brien, Sean Paradis), and

I've been inspired to realize that there are so many supportive people in Michigan (and actually all over the world) Thank you so much...

Although I am Japanese, I now live very far away from Japan. I've been thinking of friends and family struggling through such hard conditions. I strongly want to do something for them, and after I had the idea for this benefit, I discovered so many people who wanted to contribute to this postcard project and event. I really appreciate all of your help...

I hope you can make it!
Please invite your friends too!
The more the better.

Thank you very much!!

OK, move forward...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

a tune...

2011-02-02T14:32:00.003-05:00

(from heavy snow day. reflection on a window...)

I don't now how many times I listened to the tune.

I was thirteen (almost became 14) at that time.
Really hopeless. I hated everything around me, about me. The worst thing at that time was "being myself". First time to get a rope. Tied it around my neck, but I could not until the end. Felt so stupid. Pushed a pillow on my face and cried hard.
...Around that time, I found this song. I didn't even know who was singing, what kind of meaning of the song, or anything about it, but this tune really hit my heart, encouraged me to move forward.

It was in a cassette tape that my tutor gave me. Somehow I loved old foreign songs since I was a child. He made 6 cassette tapes collections of old (1950 ~ 1970) hit tunes in the US.
I stayed at my small room alone and continued to listen to them. And... I dreamed about the country where the singer sang this song, far far away from myself... While listening to these songs, I dreamed about my visit there.

And many many years later, at this present time, interestingly I actually live in the place. (And even singing!) How could imagine such a thing at that time?
wow... I'm glad that I didn't give me up.

Of course, I learned about the name of the singer and the title of the song. "Cher - Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves"

I still love it.

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Soul Foundry

2011-01-22T17:15:00.001-05:00

Create my own original shape

http://tokoshiiki.com

Evolving....

2011-01-15T23:34:00.000-05:00

I wrote this song just around one year ago. It just came to me.
But sadly it has never been played in front of people, so far.
I could luckily make this video I attached with such a great creative partner friend, Eric...
but there was no chance to play.

...However, one year later, now, interestingly this song started evolving... bigger and higher, far more beautiful with other four people...
How amazing moment to feel that? When I jammed first, I could not hold tears in my eyes.
I wrote and quietly waited for one year and someone I can trust their sense of music see the video and loved it and brought this up again... This is............ such an unexpected gift............... to me.

Under the cold winter days condition, I needed this kind of wide open creative moment....
Can't wait to share re-arranged this song with you.

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Do you see what I see?

2011-01-03T17:40:00.009-05:00

(self-portrait, right after swimming)

Being in the water and just concentrated on being zero.
Felt better...

Long time ago (around more than 15 years ago), my ex-coworker told me I may die somewhere in water. After the work, on a train to go back home, she suddenly mentioned about it.

"Water.... Be careful to be in water." She said softly. I didn't get what she tried to tell me.
"There was someone in your family who was dead in water... Long time ago... That's also your fate."
"Is this some kind of joke?" I laughed at and asked her but she said, "I feel it."
She looked so serious. I could not ask anything more than that.
After the day, I have never seen her.
... and I forgot about the story and also about her little by little...

I was used to swim a lot. When I was a child, I more preferred to be in water than being on ground. I didn't have many things that I was proud of but drawing/ painting, and swimming were special things to me.
But for a while - very long time, I stopped. Not because of the story - I may die in water, but, much earlier time than I have heard the story, after having my first menstruation and my body shape was changing into a "lady's" from a "girl's, I felt not comfortable to go to swim. So gradually being far from any swimming pool then started again more than 15 years later.

...Before moving to the US, I went to Shikoku and swam and also just floated in the ocean for a while. I was alone in the sea. I recalled the story, "You will die somewhere in water" when I was floating in the ocean. But, I knew it was not the time yet to die for me. Rather, I was even feeling like soon to be born... I was holding my legs with both arms and kept spinning in the seawater. It was very nice... nice memory. (Still Shikoku is one of my favorite places in the Earth after the trip. I must go back there...)

Now, I swim regularly again. The beginning of the last year, I started again since I got to know the gym has a salted water pool. This is very nice. I go there in order to purify myself and be free...

In the water, usually there is no distracting thought. (Oh, only one time I cried in the water. But just one time.) Being able to be close to zero. Feel freer and freer.

In general, I feel "live my life" is very similar to "swim in a river." Sometimes there is a nice flow of the water. Sometimes I have to swim in an upstream. Every once in a while, take a break and look around... and meet, talk, and even fall in love with people who is swimming in the same flow and same speed. Maybe swim together for a while and/or say "See you again" or "Good luck" ... and keep swimming. Choose my own direction. And, someday, I'll get the sea - usually called as "death". The time must come, for each one of us. Until the moment, I just keep swimming in this river. No try, just do.

...I thought something like that (again) today, after swimming...
And I thought it is not bad to think, now. Yes.

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

This Moment

2010-12-30T12:51:00.001-05:00

"Now"

Learning past and finding futures
...and take time to appreciate this moment.
   I am here, now.

Being on the river flow, how much close to the sea?
    (...am I swimming well?)

Accepting past and traveling to futures
...and take time to enjoy this moment.
   You are here, now.

What can you see and hear? No fear? No tear?
How do you feel?

Embracing pasts and constructing futures
...and take time to celebrate every single moment of life.
   Yes. We are here, "Now".

*******

The beginning of this year, I wrote about "Let it go".
Interestingly, the words stand for this year, I think.

Thank 2010, Hello 2011...
Keep moving forward...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Rain rain rain

2010-11-30T13:58:00.002-05:00

When I was young, oh yes I remember, when I was 14 years old, on a rainy day, I wanted to melt into the rain around myself and flowed together somewhere. I wondered "why and how am I still here?"
I clearly remember this because I wrote a poem about it. It was really bitter one...

Now, I'm here, somehow got this time and space and looking at rain drops were falling down and creating circles...
Anyway... Life is an unexpected story... somehow continue...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

No more...

2010-11-22T22:58:00.002-05:00

Never be alone because I notice that you are there...
Never be lonely because I always with you.
Don't have to be so scared. Yes... now you can feel it. Right?

Let it go... Let it fly...

I don't even know how long I took to get here.
... and got to know you are there – the forest in me...

Life is... wow... so bitter, so sweet, so funny, so bizarre, so cute, so ugly, and so beautiful. All those mix together. And, I can say...

"Life is... wonderful... still."
A miracle to be here. Now.

So, keep moving on...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Photo news update.

2010-08-25T20:39:00.010-04:00

I got this notification yesterday. I am very thankful for this... because this series do not complete yet and I felt this notification is an encouragement for me... This series is the work that I have been working on since last Fall. This whole process is very important to me. Like I mentioned, this is not completed yet (this is a part of the whole series) but anyway, I'm glad to show them. Now, I started preparing for new part. Very exciting to move forward, again...Yes, this is my photographic journey.

*****
"2010 International Photography Awards Announces Winners of the Competition"
(from the Press Release)
Toko Shiiki was awarded an Honorable Mention in People - Other category for the winning entry "Midlife. – Chapter 1" 

Entry Description: This is my story of midlife awakening. The concept for this photographic project arrived while I was constructing some egg shell forms; In the middle of a journey, I'm in-between birth and death. After long conversation about "midlife" with my husband, age 42, I felt – very clearly – that I must do this photo project with him. This project is not a fantasy for me, it is an inner-life documentary. Poised between now and now, the series continues.
winner's gallery

*****

Actually, these images on the gallery are not all from the series. I uploaded the images from the Chapter 1 to my website: http://tokoshiiki.com/midlife_chapter1/index.html

Also, two of my images from the series are scheduled to be published in the portfolio section of the September 2010 issue of Photographer's Forum Magazine. If you have a chance to see the magazine, please check it out. And let me know what you see...

Thank you... Toko

*****
IPA: The 2010 International Photography Awards received nearly 15,000 submissions from 103 countries across the globe. IPA is a sister-effort of the Lucie Foundation, where the top three winners are announced at the annual Lucie Awards gala ceremony. The Foundation's mission is to honor master photographers, to discover new and emerging talent and to promote the appreciation of photography. Since 2003, IPA has had the privilege and opportunity to acknowledge and recognize contemporary photographers' accomplishments in this specialized and highly visible competition. Visit www.photoawards.com for more details.

http://tokoshiiki.com

You remembered me?!

2010-08-20T23:59:00.005-04:00

Every once in a while, someone whom I haven't seen more than around 10 years tried to find me by using the Internet search. Actually, I didn't tell many people whom I used to see about moving to US. I guess that some of them felt wondered what I have been doing... Yes, because, to them, I suddenly disappeared. I didn't have to hide but I also didn't feel the necessity to tell that I was moving. (Or, for some people, I consciously didn't want to tell.)

When I moved here (the US), for a couple of years, I didn't write my real name any online spaces. So, it didn't happen but recently, I usually have added my name when I wrote something online because I started feeling I didn't have to hide it.

So, unexpected people in Japan have found me. (Two days ago, too) So far, six people found me and sent messages. wow... Usually I felt... "Did you even remember me?????" or "What? Did you think of me?????" In any case, those things made me, of course, happy. Knowing someone on the other side of this planet has been thinking of me or tried to find me. Sounds nice, right? (Even kind a romantic...) ...well... not that kind of things, though... anyway...

...Like my name in Kanji, I sometimes feel that I'm just an invisible person. Dissociate from the reality around me and all the sudden realize this invisibility... No one can even see, Do I even really exist? something like that.

But... someone remembered and tried to find me... Really? wow... That's really nice to know...
(Thank you...)

Yes, I'm here. ...somehow got here. This journey does not finish, yet. Keep moving forward...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Even if tonight I can't see the Moon in the sky...

2010-08-17T22:31:00.000-04:00

Here is Moon man visited me!

Arigatou, Moon man...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Words can be a sharp knife.

2010-08-14T23:11:00.020-04:00

One person wrote a blog and mentioned about me in the entry.

I have never seen him in person. I didn't recognized when I saw his portrait. He saw me on a stage. That's all. At first, he criticized me as a performer in some negative ways and they are something I still can take as they are. Some people like me on stage, others don't. Of course, that's usual. But one line, it is very hard to let it go. I have been struggling because of this, still now. I want to say, just "Let it go" but have had a difficulty to do so.

He wrote about me, "She's like XXX meets XXX." (XXX are two famous people's name that I don't want to write because it eventually insults them)

...Anyway, I knew people use this kind of expression to talk about "eccentric weird Japanese/Asian" who have no sense of decency, especially their sexuality. The one of the ladies who is used for the example, she is always wearing a sexy dress and many times shows her boobs (accidentally or consciously? hard to tell) or her naked body, and was arrested because of shoplifting... Maybe, someone can guess whom I'm talking about. She is using her sexuality as a sales product in a very cheap way. But, she is at least looks like... she plans to be like that to make people pay attention to her. That's actually her strong point, in my opinion. Even if I don't like her but I still think she is somehow strong. Anyway, usually being used for an icon of stupid Asians...
Another lady who is used for the example is someone like an eccentric weird Japanese, not truly worth artist but just using her "exoticism" to sell her arts or using other fact, not her art itself, to become famous or something like that. (But, to be honest, I really like her.) No matter what she has done in her real life, usually she is also most likely to be used for an example in some kind of superficial ways to talk about weird Japanese (female). I guess that the writer doesn't use her with any deep meanings. Just because, to the person, she and I are Japanese, also obnoxious, using being a Japanese exoticism as a product in order to sell ourselves to others, something like that. Am I really something like that????? Selling my exoticism/sexuality as a product and that's the only thing likening/representing me? Well, I do not think so... If I were really like that, I would kill myself. Already I have been struggling because of hating myself in my whole life (but anyway, I have been working on to change myself, that kind of my thought pattern) But anyway, IF I were really like that kind of person (the examples fit myself), I wouldn't have to stay anymore.

One thing, he is good because he didn't hide who wrote that. But, the ignorance and the shamelessness and no sensitivity to write something like this in public even if he does not really know me , still made me very sad because he sounded like not just talking me as a performer; the part "She's like XXX..." is something like... somehow telling about ME. At least, I felt so... Once again, I don't mean that I'm sad because someone don't like me as a performer.

Even if he was very surface level in his thoughts ('cause we have never even met in person...), he wrote like that in the space anyone can see. Doesn't he think I also might read? (Yes, one of my friends told me about the entry. She was really upset about it and shared the link with me.) "She's like XXX..." The expression might not be a big deal for him but could not imagine that the expression can be like as if being stabbed by a sharp knife as an Asian lady? For me, yes, it is like that. It's not too much to say so. (Other parts what he wrote is fine with me. I could take them because more clearly he was talking about me as a performer.)

By watching only a stage, people might be able to write anything. But, where is the sensitivity? In my opinion, the expression that made me very upset (once again, it's because sounds like not only talking about me as a performer but also as if somehow talking about a fact of me/my personality), is most likely to hurt many Asian ladies, if they criticized in that way. Doesn't he think writing like that can be violence?

I have considered whether I should write this or not. For a while, I could not make my thoughts clear. I lost words. Again, the numbness came to me. Anyway, This is my thoughts. Finally I could write. Writing is also one of my therapeutic exercises (in English is still hard but I keep learning because I chose to stay here...)
Anyway... I should also continue to care to choose words to write something... because words can be a sharp knife.

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Reunion...

2010-08-08T21:16:00.003-04:00

So, I saw her again... finally.

Once I saw her face, no word came out of me for a while. Just... really could not say anything. She didn't look different at all. Of course, we both got older now than 16 years ago, but really not that much changed.

I felt "correct" to be with her so strongly/naturally.
Again.

We had a few hours to talk today, about our 16 years. What she and I have done.
Believe or not, we had lots of (really) common experiences for the sixteen years... Especially "father things". And also carrier choices. It was just something like, "No way! Too much, isn't it? Really? You had done that????" So, since our experiences have been strongly linked, we didn't have to explain much. When she told her experiences, I could feel it very easily. Vise Versa.

She has survived in her way. I also have done so in my way. And, we somehow moved to this country from Tokyo Japan to start doing something we really needed to do.
Of course, I (not only me, but also her) don't reach to my goal or anything like that. Just on the middle of the journey. I have been really working on my assignment very seriously. I felt she has been doing so too. It made me so, how can I say..., encouraged.. I won't give it up.

Our reunion was much deeper and stronger than something I could write here. Anyway, maybe some time I will be able to tell more about it... Moving on...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Could you believe this? Finally, I'll see her. Again.

2010-08-07T00:53:00.014-04:00

I have some kind of sensitivity. I don't know what it is exactly but since I was a child, when I felt something unusual from someone or some places, they were usually something special to me. I found it out gradually.

Anyway, I met her sixteen years ago. There were around thirty people in the classroom. All actors and actresses. We had an acting workshop there. Once she came into the room, I already knew she and I had something strong bonds. I was kind of shocked by the sensation that I felt. Anyway, I didn't tell her about it right away. In any case, I was just so surprised. And something (I can't explain what it was... but something) was telling me about her. I didn't know why but I really got to know the one of her information because of that.

One day, finally I had a chance to talk to her. Usually I hesitated to open myself so immediately but there was no fence between us. I could be very comfortable with her. And I just mentioned her about the information of her that I got before. She wondered and asked, "Did I tell you about it already?" Yes, I found out that something I felt strongly was true. Hm... I kind of tried to see whether she felt too weird about me if I told her that I just naturally got to know it somehow... She seemed OK about it. I was glad...

One day, We went to a cafe to talk more about ourselves. In the pretty cafe in Daikanyama, Tokyo, when we were talking about our childhood memories, a glass vase next to us was just exploded. Yes, exploded. Water and the flowers (I think they were a few sunflowers) spread on the floor. It was a huge sound. A waitress ran to us to apologized about it. "Aren't you hurt? Sorry, something must be falling off and hit the vase..." But you know, we saw it. It was just exploded. There was nothing hit it.

I finally told her about my feeling that I got when I met her first time. "I think that we have strong bonds." In Japanese, it calls 縁 - En. She didn't refuse about it. Rather, she said that she knew a person who had that kind of strong sense. "So, do you want to meet him together?" Of course. So, we went to see him in Ikebukuro. He was saying, yes, we had strong bonds that would never be cut off. When we were born, already we had been connected. Her birthday is May 14th and mine is October 14th and the time of the birth are also having strong meanings or something like that. I do not know it's true or not, but I could not forget about it...

After the day, maybe around a month later, believe or not, we were attracted to same guy at the same time. And at the almost same time, we told our feelings to the guy in different places. We didn't know about it each other. He was the only one who knew our feelings. He was so confused because two girls who were good friends mentioned that we liked him at the almost same time. But, anyway, he liked her more than me. So, I stepped out of their world. Sadly we had a distance after that. I felt very lonely but I understood their feelings. So I was separated from them.

Again around a month later, we had a big party at one of our common friend's house. I usually didn't go to the place many people were gathering but I decided to go to that one. And I saw she and he was together. That was for the first time in a long time to see them out side of the classroom. Anyway, we talked for a while. It was nice. I didn't care about that guy anymore but I wanted to talk to her for a long time. But on that day, she looked weird. And finally she fell down on the floor. She said she had an anemia and therefore felt not good. So, she left earlier than anyone.

Actually, that was the last time to see her.

She just disappeared after that day. She stopped coming to the workshop. I wondered whether she was really sick and I asked the guy. But he said he didn't even know. Actually, when I met them at the party, they already had talked about breaking up. No one knew about her. I called her house but nobody took the phone calls. I wrote a letter to her house where she and her mother lived. But for a while I could not get anything from her.

Around a year later, I finally got a postcard from her. It was sent from NYC. NYC?! She wrote that she was learning dance and also teaching a dance class for kids in the NYC. She has been fine and sorry that she didn't contact me for a long time, something like that. And there was her apartment phone number. I called the number. Someone who could only speak in English was on the phone. I could not speak English at all at that time so I could not understand what the person said but somehow I figured out my friend didn't live there any more. I could not tell about myself so I could not give any information about me. She didn't write her home address. So, I could not write her too (Anyway, I thought that she didn't live there anymore...) I waited to hear from her but I got nothing after then.

Around ten years later, I decided to come to the US to learn something I really want to do for myself (It was photography). It was a huge life change to me. Really huge thing. Graduating from a college might not be that special thing to many people. BUT, for me, it had so many meanings. I had that moment in May 2009. I was officially graduated from my college. I felt an important chapter finished. So what? Move to next? But what is that? Where should I go??? What should I do? So unsure feeling... But at the same time, I felt strongly I have done something I decided in order to be re-born. (I know this might sound too much... But to me, it was really like that. I had a lots of reasons to do this.) I suddenly felt I needed to talk to her right now. About what I have decided and have done and I am now in the US, this is my life, and so on... I had a feeling that she was still in the US. So, I googled her name in English way. Her name is very common for Japanese people. There are lots of same name person. But I found her name among the search results. I knew that one was her. And I opened the page and saw the picture. BINGO! It was her. She has been teaching Yoga classes in Chicago. Chicago! Just five hours distance to get there from my house by a car! Wow... I called the Yoga studio but unfortunately she didn't work at the studio anymore. Anyway, I told the person on the phone about my phone number and asked the person when she comes or calls there, please let her know about my number.

Next day, I got a phone call. Guess what? That was her. She told me that she has lived in Chicago still now. We had a long conversation finally.

And you know, today, she and her fiance came to Ypsilanti because of his job. Ypsilanti?! It was the town where I live now. Wow.... You know, this country IS huge. He has a job in Ypsilanti????? See, we have some kind of strong bonds, for sure.

So, I finally will see her tomorrow. 16 years, I haven't seen her. Oh... wow.... Finally... This is amazing... really. This kind of thing has happened to my life once in a while... (this "strong bonds" type of thing, has happened three times in my life. Twice in Japan. And third one in here)

(felt too weird? I hope not...)

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Middle of Nowhere...

2010-08-06T12:28:00.002-04:00

One more video from the greenfield. (camera/direct - Eric Perry, edit - me)

This beautiful music is written by Rosendo E. Santos, JR. He is my father in law whom I don't have a chance to meet. Anyway, he left many beautiful music pieces... So, I asked my husband to use one of his pieces for the footage that Eric and I have shot.

These footage are including Eric's favorites. Really, his camera works are great... Interestingly, when we shot these parts, we had NO idea what they were going to be. "What are we doing? But anyway let's continue to do!" Something like that... (Cotton Candy parts are more, something at least I knew what the outcome would be - some parts, still I didn't have any idea, though...)

After completed the first video, Eric told me that I didn't use his favorite footage for the Cotton Candy one. I knew it but I could not use them because they didn't fit anywhere in that song in my mind. After this melody popped up in my mind, immediately all images linked together. Once started editing, so quickly tied up. That's a good sign, I guess...

By the way, I really love the Italian movie "La Strada" from my heart. Actually when I was editing this, I was thinking about her, Gelsomina. Yes, the lonely abandoned girl (her age, maybe "lady" is more appropriate, but she is a "forever girl".) Because of her friend, she somehow found out even such a small pebble has a meaning to exist in this world. It is just amazing to see her (the slight change in her!) The ending of the movie is painfully sad but at least she once felt she also has a meaning of staying there, in her life. Hm... wow...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

Cotton Candy World...

2010-08-05T16:47:00.006-04:00

I wrote this song the beginning of this year. I didn't expect that I could make a video like this! Thank you Eric! Yes, my photographer friend, Eric Perry suddenly took me to the field to do the video shooting. All improvisations. He calls doing this kind of collaboration as "Creative Celebration" I love the naming...

A day later, I was in a daydream. Concentrated on something I could feel/see/touch in the world. I was there with myself at four years old. Originally she was in a storage room of the place and drawing something on sheets of paper. She was so concentrated on what she was doing. I didn't want to interrupted her. For a while, I was observing her. And next moment, I strongly felt that I had to take her out side of the room. I jumped into the room from a big window and hold her hand and... Ran together. It was actually great feeling... No conversation between us. But I knew she was pretty comfortable with me. Looked around and felt her new place. I felt mother kind of love to her and started to be confused. So confused. Many questions, even angers. Anger? I don't know how to explain. But, I really wanted to protect her from any of the darkness behind her.

OK, I stop now...

If someone read this, I guess that they think... "What the hell...? Is Toko OK?"

I have no comment for that...

I'm on the way of my journey. I guess...

What can I really see? Where am I truly?
Asking and thinking... and moving forward...

Toko

http://tokoshiiki.com

about myself

2010-07-01T09:41:00.002-04:00

Here is the article of the interview:
Multi-Culti Musical Star Of Michigan

The article is about me. (small part of my life story.)

The interviewer is Yayoi Lena Winfrey who organizes Hip Hapa Homeez Group and has contributed to multiracial, mix-culture! Thank you, Yayoi san!

I'm here, now.

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

Sang in the middle of Detroit city...

2010-06-19T10:53:00.007-04:00

Wow... This was the first time to play in Detroit. I mean we played at live venues in Detroit but they were all inside. Yesterday, it was the outside concert in the middle of Detroit city. Just in front of the huge General Motors building. Yes, the river side!

To be honest, I was scared first because... the thoughts: "It is really OK to sing in Japanese in front of people in Detroit?!?!?!?!?!"

There are reasons why I felt so.
I have heard about the conflict between Japanese car and American car in Detroit. Some of my friends who worked for a Japanese car company had some difficult experiences there. Also some of my American friends told me, "You'd better to be careful."

But... I still think... Music is Music, no matter what language the songs are.
I just said myself, "Just enjoy. Believe the musical power."

Nice breeze, sunlight, river side view... all encouraged me to just enjoy!

And, you know what happened?
Oh... wow... people over there were very warm.... Many of them told me, "I love your music!!!" They looked like very enjoying during the show!
I could not hold my tears during singing "Can I Be Born Again?"

To me, Detroit is one of the dream city since I was a child because of Motown Music!!!!
And... I could sing in the middle of the city!!!! Wow...

These videos were shot just after the show. You may see how I felt from my facial expression. (????)

and one more...

oh well... anyway...

I really really appreciate River Days staff, all warm open-minded audience, my wonderful special band members, and Music....

Feel full of love...

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

message... ?

2010-06-13T19:27:00.008-04:00

When I opened one of my old books today, I found a hospital appointment card between the pages. It's blank. No date on it.
Interesting.

I knew who did it. He was one of interesting friends in Tokyo. He didn't talk so much so I don't know much about him. Anyway, he took my books from my house many times. Every time he brought them back to me (this is good) but the books got huge damages most of the time.
One day I was so disappointed and I asked him, "How could you do this to my books?" He was saying, "I was very relaxed to read your book..." and didn't say anything more than that. Long silence. I gave up to get any answer.

I didn't get the meaning at that time. But now, I kind of understand what he meant. (In fact, the damages became his shadow quietly) Anyway, the book with the appointment card was relatively clean/new. I think that this is the last book he took from me and brought back.

I guess that he used the appointment card as a bookmark.
The card is very talkative. It gave me the information about him. It somehow covers more than 10 years loss of him. Hm... What kind of message is this?

It is a card of a famous mental hospital in the suburbs of Tokyo.

How has he been? He sometimes even remembers me? ???
The card didn't answer those questions. of course...
Anyway... I wish he has been ok.

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

Dance Dance Dance

2010-06-11T10:14:00.013-04:00

After coming back to US, I keep reading Murakami's books. Starting with "1Q84" and going back to his first novel and continue the journey...

How many times I already re-read those books? Wow... Every time, something fresh impact comes to my heart. This time, especially, "Dance Dance Dance". It became one of my favorites! Oh wow!

First time I read it, I guess that I was at my early twenties. Bit too young to understand his (Main character's) perspective of life. Still loved it, though.
(By the way, now I felt the his early books ("Hear The Wind Sing", "Pinball, 1973", "A Wild Sheep Chase") are a little bit out-of-date (in not bad way.) They gave me the feelings that I'm seeing "past". (I didn't live in 1960's at all, though.) In other words, I already passed those stories and moved forward. But I say again, fortunately I still love them.

Anyway, "Dance Dance Dance" just fits me at this point of my life.
Like I mentioned, every time I read, I felt something different from the previous impression that I got from his stories. I think, it's because I have been changing. Those stories came through me, stayed inside me, gradually became nutrition/wisdom, and I've lived with them and go on and on... Then, I re-visit the world, I find something different. And learn again. That's actually great... I don't have so many books I can read in this way

Soon, I'll leave from the "Dance Dance Dance". So, I'll take a break from Murakami World for a while. But until then, I keep floating (dancing) inside it freely. Not bad... Oh yes, I need to have a glass of Cutty Sark... (ah, it's too early to have it though! - I'm writing this at 10 am... ;P )

P.S. When I was at my Yuki's age, I wish I had that kind of relationship - the main character and Yuki. (Still his words hit me, at this point of my life, though)

P.S.2 listening to The Lovin' Spoonful
Woo viva 1960's

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

A Very Japanese Day

2010-06-06T14:40:00.010-04:00

Today, I wore a Yukata for the first time in a loooooooong time.

Hm, where should I have gone? ... I was just walking around my neighbor...
And took this self portrait. (I've planed to do this for one year. finally!)
...my neighbors may think... Ah! Again! That weird Asian is doing something! :) (* This is very usual thing.)

Anyway, very calm afternoon. Alone. (wait! with little bit of sunlight. sometimes.)
Reading a book ("A Wild Sheep Chase"), and having a tea (soba-cha)...
Such a nice peaceful time...

Then, suddenly, Daifuku came to my house! (In other words, my husband with Daifuku came back home.)

Daifuku (wikipedia)

This Daifuku came from "Cafe Japon" (the best Japanese cafe in Ann Arbor). The owner Miyoko san is a great Japanese chef and also a jazz organist. If you are close to Ann Arbor, why don't you visit there?
Every once in a while she makes great Japanese sweets!!!

("Cafe Japon" 113 East Liberty Street, Ann Arbor)

Daifuku! - "Great Luck"!

大変美味しゅう戴きました。　ご馳走様でした。

Very calm Japanese day in MI... before the rain... (BTW, I love the smell of "just before the rain"... nice...)

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

1min water journey

2010-06-05T06:43:00.011-04:00

Mp3 Player Widgetgreat free widgetsWidgetboxMore info

(recorded in Shinohara/Shiga)

『流水は腐らず』("running water never goes bad")

P.S. listening to There's A Place by The Beatles

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

"Thousand Winds"

2010-06-04T01:01:00.008-04:00

...sound memo from japan...

Mp3 Player Widgetgreat free widgetsWidgetboxMore info

May 19th 8:00am at The Children's Peace Monument

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

"1Q84" and re-visit there

2010-06-03T08:20:00.015-04:00

So, after coming back from the Japan trip, I have sent myself into the "1Q84" world.
...Maybe you don't know what "1Q84" is. It is the newest novel written by Haruki Murakami.
Interestingly, when I read his book, my situations/mental conditions have somehow synchronized with the stories in many ways. It always makes me surprised.

***

I encountered a Zen monk during the last trip. He shared a piece of Zen philosophy with me. It was really a significant moment during the trip. By reading Murakami's book, I recall, re-visit, and re-consider it.

"Think and find your own answer by yourself"
I'm in the flow....

This time, Murakami wrote a relationship with father(s). I think that this is the first time he has done (in this way). It gave me kind of different perspective of it.

I sealed my memories with my father for a long time. But because of some of recent occasions, something led me re-open it... Very complicated... Be honest, I found out one very simple thing that I could not say before.
Sound very childish... but... I just wanted to have a father who really loves me no matter what I have done/who I am. I just wanted to be loved. wow... I had not even found such a simple thought in me. Anyway, unfortunately I could not get the chance. He disappeared before I could see father in him.

...There is a hole in the middle of myself. I try to avoid to see it but it is there. well, I admit. So... What can I see through the hole? Have I tried to see something from there? ... I don't think so. Yet. Maybe, thinking this will be a trigger to move next... (I'm not sure...)

By visiting Japan in this time, I can't stop thinking what my root is.
It is... I think important thing to think deeply.

Where should I go? What have I done and can I do? Actually.... who am I? There are many questions...

I could hear the voice...
"Think and find your own answer by yourself"

...Yes, I'll do.

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

How can I say?!?!?!

2010-05-25T20:15:00.006-04:00

How can I even explain all my feelings? ah... Speechless...

Japan is... really a beautiful country. I guess that, this time, I could see (sensitively felt) more its beauties than before. Maybe, it's because I left there and I've lived in the other side of the world. I'm glad to feel so. Of course, like one of my home towns in Osaka, many places have been changed. But... still there are many spiritual intimate places.
During this visit, I found many humble peaceful places in the middle of nowhere. I met many people who have lived there. Many of them shared a little bit of their life stories with me. They made me so humble...

I was standing in the middle of nowhere, in the darkness, under the dim moon light. I felt that I'm just a small part of it. Melting into the space. It... made me so much freer. Floating and dancing with the sound and wind around me. OK, I'm no one. So what? :)
I think... I needed this moment.

Oh wow... Thank you so much...

-----
Here is the website I created. "14 days dream in Japan": http://tokoshiiki.com/japan10/
If you want to see what I saw and felt (ah... but this is also just one part of it...)

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

いとおしい風景

2010-05-23T09:34:00.006-04:00

I was just walking around in the middle of nowhere.
Sometimes I intentionally lost my way and was just wandering around, talking to several locals, and listening to the voice of the landscapes in front of me. Relief...

"一期一会"

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

Hiroshima 2010

2010-05-21T12:50:00.021-04:00

When I was a child, my school in Osaka gave us the lecture about Hiroshima/Nagasaki every summer. (watching movies and slide shows, or listening to the survivors' stories.)
I still remembered those slides that I saw. They were really... hard to see. To be honest, I didn't like the day. But at the same time I could not resist to know and thought about the event.
Now I think that it was great opportunities to think "what A-bomb is and why it had been used?" at my early age (around 6 ~12 years old).

This time, there are a couple of exhibitions in the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum. The survivors' drawings and Photographer, Yuichiro Sasaki's photos (he was born in Hiroshima and had taken photos in Hiroshima far more than half of his entire life) They are...speechless. It's open until July. If you (someone) plan to go there, I'd love you to see them and think the events by each individual.

* Photo; in Hiroshima city and Miyajima.

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

Rainy day in the town... alone.

2010-05-19T08:41:00.010-04:00

I went to the town. This afternoon, I suddenly felt that it was appropriate to visit there.

I lived there from 6 to 11 years old. It's hard to recall any good memories. But, I now think that the experience is significant to my later life. So, anyway, I visited there.

My old apartment, my favorite tree, tanbo, and small stores have all gone. wow...

I felt deeply "I'm alone".

I still remember the all paths around my old house and I saw some familiar houses. But... it didn't seem to be friendly to me.

Maybe, because of the rain. Maybe... because of my memories.

Anyway, I felt that I'll never come back there.

It's all fine. I just keep moving forward.

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

ta n bo

2010-05-17T08:21:00.004-04:00

田圃: Tanbo.

I'm really happy that I could walk along Tanbo-azemichi.
It was my own 禅 - Zen moment. So peaceful...

(in hikone work-in-progress websites: http://tokoshiiki.com/toko_japan_hikone1/ )

T

http://tokoshiiki.com

Let it go

2010-01-14T20:58:00.006-05:00

My keywords of this year, 2010 is...
"Let it go".

In fact, it's not often easy for me to do so BUT now I am learning.
There are still many things that are bothering me in the world. They made me sad, depressed, or irritated. I'm really sad to feel something like this...
Are they even important to hold in my mind??? Are they really something significant in my life? My answer is "No".
So, just say, "Let it go" and "Let it be"
And be free...

Am I ...?

2010-01-12T20:01:00.007-05:00

(*I deleted this post...)

Cotton Candy

2010-01-09T20:31:00.012-05:00

One day (the end of 2009), suddenly this phrase came to me;
"...my life is like a cotton candy..."
I followed the idea and made this song.

Cotton Candy by T (demo)

Search light! Let's find my own world!

2010 Start

2010-01-06T14:28:00.011-05:00

So, today I decided to start this blog.

I'm always asking myself... "Where am I going??????" I really don't know. But... with art/music, I can be here. That's for sure.

This animation is my 2010 first project.
Music by my band. Animation/drawing, etc by Me.

Without music and art, I would not be here.